November 17, 2009

HERE ARE FIVE GIFTS TO *NOT* GIVE YOUR MAN THIS HOLIDAY SEASON:

Ladies . . . when you're doing your holiday shopping this year, you're going to have a lot of options. Which is why I'm begging you . . . on behalf of guys everywhere . . . to resist the urge to buy your man one of THESE five gifts . . .

#1.) Physique-enhancing shirts: In general, guys hate getting clothes as a gift. And the only thing worse is getting a shirt that's been designed to make him look like he's got six-pack abs. He'll never wear it. He's going to resent you. It'll be a total disaster. (--If you really want to let your guy down, you can get him one of these things here . . .)

http://international.equmen.com/index.htm

#2.) Bulge-enhancing underwear: I take that back. The only thing worse is getting him underwear that's designed to make his BULGE look bigger. You may as well just come out and tell the poor guy he's too small to ever satisfy you in bed. That's how he'll take it. (--And why would you give him bulge-enhancing underwear anyway? You're the only one that will see it, and you already know how small he is. Who are you trying to impress?)

(--You can pick up a pair of these things and ruin your man's Christmas, here . . .)

http://www.andrewchristianshop.com/

#3.) Self-help books: Are you trying to start an argument? Because if you get your man a self-help book, that's what you're going to end up with.

#4.) A sports-themed chip-and-dip bowl: A bowl that's shaped like a baseball mitt is a nice thing to have for when your guy invites his buddies over, right? Wrong. --Understand that if your guy uses this ridiculous thing in front of his friends, they'll never let him live it down.

#5.) Jewelry: The reason most guys don't wear jewelry is because they don't want to. But if you buy him something, he'll feel obligated to wear it. And so, I repeat: He doesn't want to wear jewelry. (Holidash)

(--I know what you're thinking . . . "If all those amazing gifts are off the table, what's left?" Well, ladies, I'm here to help you out with a few suggestions . . .)

(--Guys love tickets to sporting events and concerts. Why? Because they can get hammered and yell in public. That's part of the gift. But I don't mean one of those lame bands YOU like. I mean the sort of concert where he can get a T-shirt with a skull or a gun on it.)

(--Guys also love beer and red meat. I'm not sure what you can do with that, but I imagine you'll think of something.) (--Lastly . . . gadgets and technology. Your guy will never be disappointed if you get him something that enhances his TV-watching, music-listening, or pornography-downloading experience. Stereotypical? Yes. Untrue? No.)

THE AVERAGE FAMILY SPENDS NEARLY FOUR DAYS A YEAR ARGUING:

This study took place in the UK, but we see no reason why the results would be any different here . . . -According to a survey of 3,000 households, the average family fights three times a day, with the average fight lasting just over five minutes. That works out to roughly 91 hours of fighting every year . . . or nearly FOUR FULL DAYS. --So what is everybody fighting over?

#1.) Chores

#2.) Children treating the house like a hotel

#3.) Couples taking one another for granted and . . .

#4.) What to watch on TV (???)

--Overall, daughters are most likely to slam doors during a fight.

--Fathers are most likely to take a long drive to cool down.

--And mothers are most likely to shout and sulk. And listen to this . . .

--At the time of the survey, ONE in TEN families polled said they weren't currently on speaking terms with each other. (Daily Telegraph)

FOUR HINTS WOMEN DROP THAT MEN DON'T PICK UP ON:

You know how women tend to be more subtle? While most guys would rather be upfront and specific about things? Well, it pretty much explains how we've made it to the 21st century . . . and men and women STILL don't know how to communicate. --Just to prove my point, here are four subtle hints women drop, that guys don't pick up on.

#1.) LOOKING AT A GUY, THEN LOOKING AWAY. Women think it's a cute, subtle way of flirting. But guys tend to think it means the opposite. They think that if the woman was REALLY interested, she'd KEEP staring.

#2.) ACTING TIRED. This happens all the time. A couple is at a party, and the woman wants to leave. But instead of saying so, she starts acting tired. Then when the guy doesn't pick up on it, she gets angry or annoyed. --But as much as women hate it, guys are just clueless when it comes to stuff like this. And they're much more responsive if you say flat out, "I'm ready to go soon."

#3.) VARIOUS BREAK-UP LINGO. This one actually goes both ways. Men AND women have a tough time with subtle break-ups. So don't drop hints about it, just do it. Getting dumped hurts, but dragging out a relationship is worse.

#4.) FLIRTATIOUS TOUCHING. Touching a guy's arm or putting your hand on his back WILL let him know you're interested, but only if you keep doing it. Guys are more physical than women are on a daily basis, so touching him once won't do anything.

--But if you KEEP at it, he'll eventually realize what's up. (TheFrisky.com)

TWO ADULTS WERE HELD HOSTAGE IN THEIR APARTMENT BY AN OVERWEIGHT HOUSECAT:

I hate to come across as a mean-spirited jerk. But, really, how pathetic is THIS . . . --On Sunday, Animal Control officers in New York City came to the rescue of Rosa Davila and her son, 27-year-old Victor Marte, who were being held hostage in their apartment by a WILD ANIMAL. --And by "wild animal" I mean an overweight housecat named Carmen. Seriously.

According to Rosa, Carmen started acting strange a few months ago. And on Sunday, she finally snapped, jumping on Victor and clawing at his legs. --To escape Carmen's RAGE, Rosa and Victor holed up in a bedroom and called 911. A few minutes later, Animal Control showed up and corralled Carmen into a cage.

Rosa says, quote, "All of a sudden, Carmen got violent and started making strange noises . . . I yelled, 'Carmen! Calm down!' I wanted her to jump off, but then she started attacking my son. I was in shock. I was very scared for my son." (New York Post) (--Note to Rosa . . . you should be scared for your son. He's 27, he lives at home, and he can't defend himself against an obese housecat. Be VERY scared for Victor.)


HOLLYWOOD DIRT OVERFLOW

CHRIS BROWN SAYS HE HAS OPTIONS WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN . . . BECAUSE HE'S CHRIS BROWN:

CHRIS BROWN isn't really trying to get into another relationship at the moment . . . but he'd like you to know he COULD if he wanted to. --He told MTV News, quote, "My whole dating thing, I've been kinda chillin'. I mean, I'M CHRIS BROWN. I'm not saying it like that, but it's just, like, girls are gonna be around." --He adds, quote, "I love women. But I would say I've just been chillin'. I haven't really been trying to get into a relationship or trying to date anybody. I've just kinda been working on me. Like I said, just really getting me straight."

(--Experience Chris Brown's humility for yourself at the following link . . .)

http://www.mtv.com/videos/news/456075/is-chris-brown-dating.jhtml

LEVI JOHNSTON IS *NOT* BE GOING THE FULL MONTY:

All this talk about LEVI JOHNSTON giving up the FULL MONTY in his Playgirl pictorial was CRAP. The spread is in the can, and Levi did NOT show us what he used to make SARAH PALIN a grandma. --A Playgirl rep says, quote, "He did not give 'full-frontal' as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them.

"Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity." (--There's no word when we'll get to see the pics.) --Meanwhile, Sarah's interview with OPRAH WINFREY aired yesterday . . . and Sarah said she finds Levi's foray into nude modeling, quote, "heartbreaking." (--She even referred to it as "PORN".) --Sarah also admitted that she didn't like the way the McCain campaign made her address her daughter BRISTOL'S pregnancy. She says, quote, "This is not to be glamorized. This is not to be emulated. --"I didn't want that message getting out there that we were giddy happy to become grandparents." (--Here's a clip from the interview . . .)

http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=true&mediaKey=9ee80b5d-a83d-4a9c-9a38-665f84f74325

RYAN O'NEAL GOT NOTHING IN FARRAH FAWCETT'S WILL:

RadarOnline claims to have gotten a hold of FARRAH FAWCETT'S will . . . and they say that Farrah left RYAN O'NEAL . . . NOTHING. --Farrah gave $4.5 million to their druggie son REDMOND, $500,000 to her father and another $500,000 to a nephew. She also gave $100,000 to a guy named Greg Lott. --You may have heard this guy's name before, because he's been blabbing to any media outlet that'll listen about being Farrah's SECRET LOVER.

Lott says he was in contact with Farrah ALMOST to the end. But O'Neal froze him out of her life last April . . . and banned him from her funeral. --The will also stated that Farrah wanted to die at home . . . saying that she, quote, "wishes to remain at home for as long as possible during any period of illness or incapacity and to die at home." --That didn't happen. Farrah died of the painful-sounding anal cancer at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica. (--As you probably recall, she died the same day as Michael Jackson . . . June 25th.)

WHEN SUSAN BOYLE WAS IN SCHOOL, SHE WAS BEATEN BY TEACHERS AND BULLIED BY CLASSMATES:

Everybody loves a good SUSAN BOYLE joke . . . but at some point, you have to feel a little bad for her. Especially when you hear what she went through in school. --Susan suffers from a mild learning disorder . . . and back when she was a kid, teachers didn't really know how to handle that. So they BEAT HER. --She says, quote, "You're looking at someone who would get the belt every day. 'Will you shut up, Susan!? . . . whack! --"I was often left behind at school because of one thing or another. I was a slow learner. I'm just a wee bit slower at picking things up than other people. So you get left behind in a system that just wants to rush on, you know?

--"There was discipline for the sake of discipline back then. But it's all very different now. I think teachers are taught to understand children with learning disabilities a lot better." --If that wasn't bad enough, Susan was also bullied by classmates. She says, quote, "There's nothing worse than another person having power over you by bullying you and you not knowing how to get rid of that thing."

"NEWSWEEK'S" 12 UNFUNNY COMICS:

"Newsweek" has put together a list of 12 Unfunny Comics. (--It's unclear whether or not the list is ranked. They are on numbered pages, but that may not mean anything. Anyway, we'll keep them in the order "Newsweek" has them.)

--Here's the list:

--LARRY THE CABLE GUY

--CARLOS MENCIA

--HOWIE MANDEL

--DANE COOK

--GALLAGHER

--ANDREW DICE CLAY

--EMO PHILLIPS

--JAY LENO

--Ventriloquist comedian JEFF DUNHAM

--PAULY SHORE

--CARROT TOP

--YAKOV SMIRNOFF

(--You can read their write-ups on each "comedian," here . . .)

http://www.newsweek.com/id/222503

(--On one hand, I agree with this list. Personally, I don't think any of these comedians can really make me laugh on a consistent basis.) (--That being said, did "Newsweek" put any real thought into this list???) (--Every comic on here is a "safe" pick . . . in that each of them gets called unfunny on at least a semi-regular basis. Where's the fun in that?)

SIMON COWELL HAS RESPONDED TO STING'S "X FACTOR" DIS:

If you haven't heard, STING recently dissed SIMON COWELL and his "American Idol"-type singing competition shows . . . specifically, Britain's "X Factor". --He said, quote, "['X Factor'] is a preposterous show . . . and you have judges who have no recognizable talent apart from self-promotion. Basically, [it's] televised karaoke where they conform to stereotypes.

"It is a soap opera which has nothing to do with music." --He added that he would be out of place on the show . . . because he's too unique. He said, quote, "I wouldn't get on 'X Factor' because I don't sound like anyone they're after. I sound like myself. --"I think they are basically aping pre-existing stereotypes of what singers should do and they're not being themselves."

Well, Simon responded on "X Factor" . . . saying, quote, "Talking about these contestants being a bunch of karaoke no-hopers . . . I thought it was pompous." --Later . . . at least partially joking . . . Simon invited Sting to come on the show as one of the celebrity "mentors", to get a first-hand look at the talent on the show.