Thursday, May 12, 2011


Katie Holmes Is Still Not Pregnant . . . At Least That's Her Story:

"OK!" magazine is running a big cover story this week about KATIE HOLMES that says, "It's Official: 'Yes, I'm Pregnant'." (--You can see the cover here.) (OK!) --There's only one problem with the story, and I'm betting you can guess what it is: Katie's NOT pregnant. Her rep even told "OK!" that when the magazine asked him to comment on the story. But they ran with it anyway.

Lindsay Lohan Pleaded No Contest:

As expected, LINDSAY LOHAN pleaded no contest to her misdemeanor theft charge yesterday. Actually, her attorney pleaded on her behalf. Lindsay wasn't at the hearing. --In pleading no contest, Lindsay didn't have to admit guilt . . . but it still counts as a conviction. --Lindsay will not receive any jail time beyond the 120 days she was already sentenced to for violating her 2007 DUI probation. --She's been ordered to begin serving that sentence by June 17th. She has applied for home detention . . . but there's no word yet if she'll get it. Even if she doesn't, she'll probably only end up serving about two weeks. --Lindsay won't know if she gets house arrest until she shows up at the jail to be booked. --If she IS under house arrest, Lindsay won't be allowed to knock any time off her 480 hours of community service while she's being detained. --The judge also ordered Lindsay to attend some kind of shoplifting program and undergo psychiatric counseling. She said, quote, "I don't think the root of her problem is substance abuse. She has other problems and I believe she self-medicates."

Lindsay Lohan's Post-Sentencing Statement:

Following her sentencing yesterday, LINDSAY LOHAN released the following statement . . . quote, "I am glad to be able to put this past me and move on with my life and my career. --"I support the judge's decision and hold myself accountable for being in this situation. --"I have already started my community service at the Downtown Women's Center and thank everyone there for their warm welcome. --"I hope to be able to fulfill my obligation without any press attention. I think the media spotlight should be on issues such as homelessness and domestic violence instead of on me."

The L.A. County Probation Department Thinks Lindsay Lohan is a Drug Addict:

The judge overseeing LINDSAY LOHAN'S theft case may not think Lindsay is a drug addict, but the L.A. County Probation Department does.--The department released a report yesterday saying, quote, "Substance abuse is the root of the defendant's problems." --The report also lists all the drugs Lindsay has been taking. They include Trazadone and Zoloft for depression . . . Nexium for heartburn . . . Zyrtec for allergies . . . two antibiotics . . . and the birth control medication Yaz. --The report also states that Lindsay failed an alcohol test on February 8th . . . a month after she left the Betty Ford Clinic. --And it claims that witnesses saw Lindsay drinking the night she and some of her fellow patients snuck out of Betty Ford. (--That's the night Lindsay got into a scuffle with an employee while trying to sneak back IN.) (--You can read the probation report here.)

Charlie Sheen's Replacement on "Two and a Half Men" Was Almost Hugh Grant:

CHARLIE SHEEN was almost replaced on "Two and a Half Men" by . . . HUGH GRANT. --Sources say the show was in SERIOUS talks with Hugh . . . and while negotiations ultimately stalled over "creative differences", there's still at least a remote possibility he could join the show. --There were some reports yesterday claiming Hugh was offered more than $1 million an episode to do the show . . . but a source says no one under consideration for the part would make anywhere near that. --Whoever they choose, they'll need to do it soon. CBS is presenting its fall lineup next Wednesday.

Denise Richards Won't Let Her Daughters Spend Weekends with Charlie Sheen:

DENISE RICHARDS has done a good job so far of keeping her daughters isolated from CHARLIE SHEEN'S insanity. And she's not giving up that fight. --Charlie dragged Denise to a law office earlier this week to ask if their daughters, 7-year-old Sam and 5-year-old Lola, can spend weekends with him. She told him NO. --A source says, quote, "Denise wants Charlie to be healthy. She wants the girls to see him, but certain behaviors need to be shut down." (--TMZ got video of Charlie and Denise leaving the office . . . separately, of course. Check it out here. WARNING!!! There's some bleeped profanity from Charlie.)

Bree Olson is Posing for "Playboy":

Since she was a PORNO STAR before she became one of CHARLIE SHEEN'S goddesses, it's probably not such big news that we're about to see BREE OLSON naked again. --But we will be seeing Bree . . . a.k.a. Rachel Oberlin . . . nude in the pages of "Playboy" soon. She reportedly shot a, quote, "classy" spread for an upcoming issue. There's no word when it'll run.

Bristol Palin Admits She Had Surgery On Her Face . . . But She Says It Was Corrective Surgery:

BRISTOL PALIN is admitting that she had work done on her face . . . but she says the surgery was CORRECTIVE, not cosmetic. --She says, quote, "Yes, it improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons . . . so my jaw and teeth could properly realign. I don't obsess over my face." --But she adds, quote, "I'm absolutely thrilled with the results. I look older, more mature and don't have as much of a chubby little baby face." -She added that she wouldn't have elective plastic surgery unless, quote, "I got in an accident or something terrible got disfigured." --Bristol says she went under the knife last December, after she got the boot from "Dancing With the Stars".

Check Out Will Smith's $2 Million Movie Trailer:

WILL SMITH'S trailer on the set of "Men In Black 3" is nicer than most people's HOMES. --It's a $2 million, 1,150-square-foot rig with marble floors, a lounge and bar . . . a movie room with a 100-inch screen . . . an all-granite bathroom . . . a large bedroom . . . and offices for Will's assistants and writing staff. --It's 53 feet long, has 22 wheels and weighs about 30 tons. He's renting it for $9,000 a week. (--Check out some pictures of this beast here.) (Sources: People, New York Post) --Oh, and Will is also renting a 55-foot trailer with a full gym inside. --There was just one problem with the trailer: The movie is filming in Manhattan right now . . . and the locals hated it. --One resident said, quote, "The smell that comes along with it is disgusting. It's like living in a gas station." --Another one said, quote "How would Will Smith feel if I parked that thing out in front of his house? People forget this is a residential neighborhood, not a film lot." --Last night, the producers said the trailer had been moved to private property.

Donald Trump Finally Explains How He Does His Hair:

Give DONALD TRUMP credit: PRESIDENT OBAMA came forth with his birth certificate, and now Donald is clearing up the biggest mystery surrounding him . . . how he does his hair. --In an interview with "Rolling Stone", Donald says, quote, "Okay, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don't dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. --"Then I read paper and things . . . I also watch TV . . . the 'Today' show did a beautiful piece on me yesterday." --He adds, quote, "Okay, so I've done all that. I then comb my hair. Yes, I do use a comb." --Yes, the combing. This is where most people want the nitty-gritty on Donald's technique. He says, quote, "Do I comb it forward? No, I don't comb it forward. I actually don't have a bad hairline. --"When you think about it, it's not bad. I mean, I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it's not really a comb-over. It's sort of a little bit forward and back. I've combed it the same way for years. Same thing, every time." --Trump also reveals that he has only one real vice: Soda. He says, quote, "I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. I've never had a drink, never had a joint, never had any drugs, never even had a cup of coffee . . . --"I will say, though, that I like a little caffeine. People assume I'm a boiler ready to explode, but I actually have very low blood pressure, which is shocking to people. --"I'll drink water. Sometimes tomato juice, which I like. Sometimes orange juice, which I like. I'll drink different things. But the Coke or Pepsi boosts you up a little." --Here's something else Donald would like you to know about himself: He's nice. He says, quote, "I don't want to ruin my image by saying this, but I'm a much nicer person than people understand. --"I like to do the right thing and help people. But when people are disloyal to me . . . I hold a grudge. I have the longest memory. I always kick back. I believe in that." (--You can read the complete "Rolling Stone" interview here.)

The Sexy Plus-Size Model Who Romanced DJ Qualls in the Movie "Road Trip" Died . . . After Knee Surgery:

Tragic news to report this morning: MIA AMBER DAVIS . . . a plus-size model and actress . . . died Tuesday in Los Angeles. She was only 36. --Mia is probably best known as Rhonda, the candy-coated African American fox who seduces actor DJ QUALLS in the movie "Road Trip". (--Here's that classic scene. WARNING!!! There's some adult content in this clip.) --Qualls issued a statement saying, quote, "Mia Davis, the love interest in my first movie, 'Road Trip' has passed. I'm so sad. She will always be a meaningful person in my life path. RIP." --There's no word yet on the cause of death . . . but Mia had undergone what was supposed to be routine knee surgery the day before to correct an old college basketball injury. --Mia's husband, Michael Yard, was in New York when his wife died. He says he spoke with Mia Tuesday morning and she seemed fine. But hours later a cousin called and told him Mia was back in the hospital due to dizziness. --Soon after that, he got the call that she had died. He says, quote, "I want to know what happened to my wife." (--Check out some pictures of Mia here.) (Google Images)


For Friday the 13th It's the Vampire Movie "Priest" vs. the Wedding Comedy "Bridesmaids":

#1.) "Priest" (PG-13)

Paul Bettany plays a warrior priest trying to rescue his niece from an army of vampires. So the Friday the 13th release date should help. The niece is Phil Collins' daughter, Lily Collins, who you'd remember from "The Blind Side". --"Nikita" star Maggie Q fights by his side. And check out the vampire pedigree of the rest of the cast: "Twilight's" Cam Gigandet, "True Blood's" Stephen Moyer, and Christopher Plummer, who played Van Helsing in "Dracula 2000". --Not to mention the fact that Lily is dating "Twilight" werewolf Taylor Lautner. (Trailer)

#2.) "Bridesmaids" (R)

"SNL's" Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph star in the latest Judd Apatow-produced comedy. Maya's the bride. Kristen is her jealous maid of honor. She also co-wrote it. --Her character gets into ridiculous situations because she's worried about being replaced by a much hotter bridesmaid who's played by Rose Byrne. --You'll recognize Ellie Kemper from "The Office" among the other bridesmaids, but the REAL star of the show is succulent Melissa McCarthy from "Mike & Molly". (Trailer)

#3.) "Everything Must Go" (R) (Limited)

Will Ferrell's wife throws him out, but instead of leaving, he holds a massive yard sale with the help of a chubby neighborhood kid played by Christopher Jordan Wallace, better known as the 15-year-old son of the Notorious B.I.G. (--The hot brunette in the trailer is Rebecca Hall, the Vicky in "Vicky Christina Barcelona".)

#4.) "Hesher" (R) (Limited)

Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Hesher, a guy who moves into a family's garage without asking. Rainn Wilson's mourning the death of his wife, so he can't muster the energy to kick him out . . . and Hesher basically shocks the family into living again. --Natalie Portman produced it, and also stars in it as a nerdy supermarket cashier who befriends Rainn Wilson's son and defends him from a bully. (Trailer) (--Here's an UNCENSORED scene where Natalie Portman gets in a fender bender and Hesher comes to her rescue. Check out Hesher's sweet back tattoo.)

#5.) "The Big Bang" (R) (Limited)

Antonio Banderas plays a private detective hired to find a missing stripper in a case that somehow involves stolen diamonds, porn . . . and particle physics. --Snoop Dogg has a cameo as a porn director, and the missing stripper is played by "Resident Evil's" Sienna Guillory. (--That's Autumn Reeser, who plays Katie on "No Ordinary Family", enjoying a sex scene with Antonio Banderas in the trailer.)
David Hasselhoff Has Joined the Cast of "Piranha 3DD":

DAVID HASSELHOFF has joined the cast of "Piranha 3DD". --He joins Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd and Paul Scheer . . . who are all returning from "Piranha 3D" . . . as well as newcomer GARY BUSEY. The movie is scheduled to hit theaters in November.

Olivia Wilde Would Love to Be the New Lara Croft:

The "Tomb Raider" franchise is getting a reboot . . . but there's no word yet who'll replace ANGELINA JOLIE as Lara Croft. --A lot of people think it should be OLIVIA WILDE . . . and she's totally down with that idea. --She says, quote, "That would be so awesome. I love Lara Croft. As far as I know right now, I'm not playing [her]. But that's really cool that people think I should."

The Situation Has Been Hurt By His Dad's Anti-Situation Rants:

THE SITUATION is NOT happy that his dad, Frank Sorrentino, is ripping him on YouTube. --The Situation's rep says that he's, quote, "Extremely saddened by his estranged father's actions . . . [Frank] has unfortunately decided to go public . . . to garner himself media attention." --The rep adds that the rest of The Situation's family . . . including his mother . . . remain "united" with The Situation, quote, "under these hurtful circumstances." --By the way, Frank is NOT done. He's currently selling the rights to a tell-all book about The Situation. He explains, quote, "I think people should know what I know. Hard core partying, drugs, sex, crime elements, you name it, it's in there. . . --"I'm calling Mike on his [crap]. I covered up for Mike his entire life and when I needed his help he left me hanging." --One of Frank's "business associates" tells TMZ that Frank is upset because his son wouldn't help him pay his medical insurance. Supposedly, the Situation immediately responded with a 'no,' and added, quote, "Move to Florida and go on welfare." --all of Frank's classy, anti-Situation rants can be found on his website, (---***WARNING***: These videos are UNCENSORED, and contain quite a bit of profanity.)

The Daytime Emmy Nominees Have Been Announced:

The nominees for "The 38th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards" were announced yesterday . . . and for the second straight year, "General Hospital" received the most nominations, with 21. --And also for the second year in a row, "The Young and the Restless" came in second, with 20. The two soaps that ABC just canceled also fared well. "All My Children" had 13 nominations . . . and "One Life to Live" had 12. --That's a lot of love for what is apparently a dying genre. In fact, there was a rumor recently that ABC might scrap "General Hospital" as well, to make room for a KATIE COURIC talk show. (--ABC already said they're replacing "All My Children" and "One Life to Live" with two "View"-type panel talk shows, about food and healthy living.) --"The Ellen DeGeneres Show" led all talk shows with 12 nominations. "The View" and the "Today" show picked up six each . . . with the "The Oprah Winfrey Show" coming next with five. --JON STEWART and STEPHEN COLBERT'S hilarious "Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear" scored four nominations. --This year's "Daytime Emmys" will air live on June 19th on CBS. WAYNE BRADY is hosting. (--You can find a full list of the nominees at (--At this link, you'll find a list of the most nominated shows and networks . . . and at this link, you'll find a complete breakdown of all the categories.)

Fox Has Axed "Breaking In" . . . Or, Christian Slater Is a Failure Again:

Fox announced a bunch of cancellations yesterday . . . so if you like random Fox shows that no one else is watching, prepare yourself for some bad news. --Fox has dumped: "Lie to Me", "Human Target", "Breaking In", "The Chicago Code" and "Traffic Light".
-"Breaking In" sticks out to me, not because it was good . . . I never watched it . . . but because it signals yet another TV failure for CHRISTIAN SLATER. This time, he lasted just six episodes. -In 2008, his NBC drama "My Own Worst Enemy" lasted nine episodes, and then his ABC mystery series "The Forgotten" lasted 17 episodes. (--Christian should do a CBS crime drama. If that doesn't work, then he just needs to stop.)
Thursday TV Reminders: (--Check your local listings.)

--"NBA Playoffs: Hawks vs. Bulls" [Eastern Conference Semifinals Game 6] . . . 8:00 to 10:30 P.M. Eastern on ESPN. (--The Atlanta Hawks host the Chicago Bulls.)

--"Music Builds: CMT Disaster Relief Concert" . . . 9:00 to 10:30 P.M. Eastern on CMT. (--A concert to benefit flood, storm and tornado victims. Performers will include Alabama, Ronnie Dunn, Lady Antebellum, Tim McGraw, and Keith Urban.)

--"American Idol" [Results Show] . . . 8:00 to 9:00 P.M. on Fox. (--Jordin Sparks performs and Steven Tyler premieres his solo video "(It) Feels So Good".)

--"The Vampire Diaries" [2nd Season Finale] . . . 8:00 to 9:00 P.M. on the CW.

--"Community" [2nd Season Finale] . . . 8:00 to 8:30 P.M. on NBC.

--"The Office" . . . 9:00 to 9:30 P.M. on NBC. (--Dwight becomes acting manager and implements some overly harsh methods.)

--"CSI" [11th Season Finale] . . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on CBS.

--"Nikita" [1st Season Finale] . . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on the CW.

--"Randy Jackson Presents: America's Best Dance Crew" . . . 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on MTV. (--Justin Bieber delivers the dance challenges to the five remaining crews.)

--"Outsourced" [1st Season Finale] . . . 10:30 to 11:00 P.M. on NBC.

George Michael Is Recording a New Album . . . with a "Gay Collective":

GEORGE MICHAEL has announced that he's recording a new album. (--And yeah, it DOES get more interesting than that.) --And George revealed that he'll be receiving some help from friends . . . GAY friends. Or as he's calling them, a "gay collective." --Sadly, there's no word on which artists he has on his gaydar for this. We also don't know if this "gay collective" will be specifically recognized on the album . . . or if they'll just be guest artists, who happen to be gay. --The album is being described as a "dance-influenced pop record," which is different than anything George has done in the past. --He pompously said, quote, "As an artist I'm at the stage where I'm not interested or excited by repeating former successes."

(NC-17) Steven Tyler Says Steven Adler Was "Dreaming" When He Complemented the Size of His Junk:

Earlier this week, STEVEN ADLER complemented the size of STEVEN TYLER'S manhood . . . saying, quote, "After seeing Steven Tyler's rig . . . with five different girls' hands wrapped around it . . . I'm lucky if I take my clothes off at all after that. --"I was devastated." (--Here's video.) --Well, Steven Tyler has NO IDEA how Steven Adler would know anything about his junk . . . and says that the guy must be "dreaming." --In a radio interview, Steven Tyler said, quote, "You know what?! That's terrible. First of all, I've never been with a guy when I've been with three or four women. --"I just don't swing that way . . . I'm sorry. Thank god I got sober. I might have wound up . . . who knows?! I wasn't that promiscuous, let's just say. --"[Steven Adler] was dreaming about my schlong." (--You can listen to these comments, here. The part about the junk starts at the 9:15 mark.) --By the way, Tyler says he's working on an album with Aerosmith this summer that comes out "the first of next year" . . . and they're touring in November and December.

1980s One-Hit Wonders: Where Are They Now?

The "New York Daily News" must be feeling a little nostalgic, because they put together a list called 1980s One-Hit Wonders: Where Are They Now --Over 30 acts made the list, but the "Daily News" doesn't really say where all of them are now. (--They may have just been thinking aloud when they wrote that part.)

--Some of the "one-hit wonders" are:

--Frankie Goes to Hollywood, "Relax"

--Dead or Alive, "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)"

--Tommy Tutone, "867-5309 / Jenny"

--Flock of Seagulls, "I Ran So Far Away"

--Soft Cell, "Tainted Love"

--A-Ha, "Take On Me"

--Culture Club, "Karma Chameleon"

(--You can find the whole list, and their occasionally informative "where are they now?" write-ups, here. Unfortunately, the list is in slideshow format.)

Beyoncé Is Calling Her Next Album "4" . . . As a Tribute to Her Fans, Herself, and / or Her Laziness:

BEYONCÉ has titled her next album "4" . . . yes, just the number 4. --As hard as it is to believe, "4" was actually an INSPIRED title. And Beyoncé is crediting her fans with dreaming it up. --She says, quote, "Everywhere I look, I see them calling it '4'. I had a whole other name and concept, but I keep seeing that the fans love the name '4' . . . and I thought it would be a really nice thing to let them name the record." --I'm not sure if Beyoncé realizes this . . . but her fans were just calling it "4" because it's her fourth album. It was just a placeholder until she came up with something more creative, and revealed it. --Regardless, "4" also works for Beyoncé, because it's somewhat of a lucky number. She explains, quote, "We all have special numbers in our lives, and 4 is that for me. --"It's the day I was born. My mother's birthday, and a lot of my friends' birthdays are on the fourth . . . April 4th (or 4/4) is my wedding date." (--Wow. How lucky that the fans picked that title out!) --And if all else fails to make any sense, it's still her fourth album. So that works . . . it's just a little lazy, right?

The Beastie Boys Had the Highest Debut of Eight New Albums in the Top Ten . . . But They Still Couldn't Touch Adele:

For just the third time in history, EIGHT new albums debuted in the Top Ten on the "Billboard" chart. But none of them could take down ADELE. She sold another 155,000 copies of "21" to hold onto the #1 spot for another week. --The BEASTIE BOYS had the week's highest debut. They hit second place with their new disc, "Hot Sauce Committee Part 2", which sold 128,000 copies to beat the latest "Now!" compilation and J-Lo's new album, among others.

Nicki Minaj Won't Change, Regardless of Whether She's Doing a Pop Tour or a Rap Tour:

NICKI MINAJ just toured with LIL WAYNE, and she's about to hit the road with BRITNEY SPEARS, who's obviously a completely different artist. But while Nicki does plan on "expanding" her show a little, she isn't changing her approach. --She says, quote, "People think Nicki's going to completely change . . . I think that's the biggest misconception. I think people don't understand that I remain myself, whether I'm on a hip-hop tour or a pop tour. --"The Wayne tour to me was a pop tour. Most people probably think that they're only gonna see black faces in the audience for him, but we see everyone in that audience. 80% of the crowd is everything but black. To me, hip-hop is pop. --"They've merged. Everyone listens to rap. I think it's all the same thing."

Taylor Swift Thinks Celebrities Who Complain About the Paparazzi Are "Obnoxious":

TAYLOR SWIFT totally gets that you give up your private life when you become a celebrity. She drove that point home yesterday during her appearance on "Ellen". --She said, quote, "I think it's just obnoxious if I complain about anything. I hear other people talk about, 'Oh, the intrusions on my privacy.' It's like there are a million other jobs you could have had. --"For me, I've just come to the acceptance of the fact that this is my life. For me it's just, live your life and if people take pictures . . . you laugh about it in the car afterwards."


Showbiz Extras . . . Random Links to Additional Stories:

Do we have to suffer through another Royal Wedding already? PRINCE HARRY has reportedly told his girlfriend that he wants to settle down. (Full Story)

Check out JENNIFER ANISTON in her bra and panties in the trailer for the upcoming dark comedy "Horrible Bosses". She looks FANTASTIC . . . the movie looks pretty funny . . . and COLIN FARRELL looks hilarious with a comb-over. (Trailer)

ANGELINA JOLIE has confirmed that her latest tattoo is the coordinates of BRAD PITT'S birthplace, Shawnee, Oklahoma. (Full Story)

On her website, GWYNETH PALTROW listed salvia . . . that stuff MILEY CYRUS got high off of . . . as one of several herbs growing in her garden. She didn't say, however, if she uses it for its hallucinogenic properties. (Website)

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR thinks the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" movie they're making without her and creator JOSS WHEDON is, quote, "a horrible idea." (Full Story)

Here's a fake trailer that mixes "Watchmen" with "My Little Pony". (Video)

Last night on "Survivor", GRANT was voted out and sent to Redemption Island (Delicious Audio #1) . . . and RALPH was sent to the jury. (Delicious Audio #2)

DICK VAN DYKE and MARY TYLER MOORE will appear together on today's "Rachael Ray" show. (--Of course, they played a couple on "The Dick Van Dyke Show" back in the '60s.) (Full Story)

PINK FLOYD is rolling out an "extensive reissues campaign" called "Why Pink Floyd…?". As part of it, they'll be releasing re-mastered versions of their classic songs, and "new" old songs that have never seen the light of day. (Full Story)

GUCCI MANE'S rep says he'll be out of jail at the end of June. (Full Story)

Word has it that WILL and JADA PINKETT SMITH will be the guests on the final episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" on May 25th. (Full Story)


Need Another Reason To Hate Bin Laden? He Liked Girls Who Were "Young, Preferably Aged 16-to-18":

I know that other countries have different standards for when someone is and isn't underage. But that doesn't mean I'm going to support something like THIS. --Rashad Mohammed Saeed Ismael is a sheikh from Yemen who worked as OSAMA BIN LADEN'S matchmaker when bin Laden wanted a fifth wife in 1999. --And bin Laden said he was looking for someone, quote, "pious, dutiful, well-mannered, from a decent family . . . and young, preferably aged 16-to-18." --He also says bin Laden wanted someone who was, quote, "patient . . . she will have to endure my exceptional circumstances." --Ismael matched him up with a 17-year-old in Yemen named Amal Ahmed al-Sadah. --Bin Laden paid her family a bride price of $5,000, and she married him. Less than two years later she went into hiding with him after 9/11. --She was at bin Laden's compound when we raided it and is now being held by the Pakistani authorities. (The Guardian)

"Football-Sized" Cocoa Fruit Has Been Found In Ecuador:

(--Note: With chocolate, the word for the tree, the fruit, and the beans is "cacao," pronounced 'Ka-Kow.' The powder from the beans used to make chocolate is "cocoa," pronounced 'Co-Co.' But 'cocoa' can be used for all of them. Got it?) --Now even nature is joining the battle to keep us chubbier than ever . . . --Most of the chocolate we eat is a little bit of cocoa and a lot of chemicals, and there are a few different types of cocoa: White beans taste better and are rarer . . . while purple beans have more of a bitter aftertaste. --But the cocoa trees with the white beans seemed to go extinct because of disease . . . making purer chocolate incredibly hard to come by. --UNTIL NOW. An undiscovered forest of cocoa trees with white beans has just been found in the jungles of Ecuador. And they have cocoa fruit the size of FOOTBALLS. And supposedly they're going to completely change the entire chocolate industry. --Michelle Tampakis of the Institute of Culinary Education says this discovery would be like French winemakers finding a brand new, better tasting grape. It's that much of a game-changer. --Because of the beans, you could soon be seeing better quality, better tasting chocolate. But since they're pretty rare . . . you're probably going to have to pay more for it. (CBS News)

Forget Double Stuf Oreos! Get Ready For Triple-Double Oreos:

If you've ever been mowing through an entire package of Double Stuf Oreos and said to yourself, "These are good, but couldn't they go even bigger?" . . . your day has finally arrived. --Nabisco has announced that they're about to unveil a bigger, better Oreo . . . TRIPLE-DOUBLE OREOS. --What you get is an Oreo cookie . . . a layer of traditional Oreo filling . . . another cookie . . . a layer of Oreo chocolate cream filling . . . and finally, one more cookie. It's like the club sandwich of Oreos. --They're set to come out this summer. (Today) (--Here's a picture of the packaging, which shows off one of the Triple Double Oreos.)

Word of the Day: Chocolate Amendment:

chocolate amendment (noun) /chawk lut uh mend ment/ - an amendment to the "Five-Second Rule" that allows you a 30-second grace period to "safely" pick up something chocolate off the ground. Because it's just that good. --Example: I spilled all of my Raisinets on the floor of the movie theater and managed to pick up at least three-quarters of them in 30 seconds. And thanks to the chocolate amendment to the Five-Second Rule, I was clear to eat 'em all.
Check Out the iPhone App That Shows You What You'd Look Like With a Breast Enhancement:

Here's a great iPhone app for EVERY woman . . . whether you're considering a breast enhancement, or you just want to laugh at what it would look like with two watermelons on your chest. --A plastic surgeon in New Orleans created a free iPhone app called iAugment, which shows you what you'd look like with different sized implants. You just take a photo . . . it works best if you're in a bra or bathing suit . . . and the app inflates you. --The photos come out looking surprisingly good. You can test all different breast sizes, and even immediately post your photos to Facebook. (Stylelist) (--Check out some demo photos of how it works, here.)

(NC-17) A Study Finds That Love Toy Sales Will Match Smartphone Sales For the Next Decade:

People are addicted to their phones. We know this because people talk about it. People are a bit less loud about how much they're addicted to their VIBRATING and usually CHOCOLATE-COLORED love toys. But that addiction is JUST as real. --A new study by the Hewson Group in England found that even as smartphones become more and more popular over the next decade, sales of love toys are going to keep right up with them. --By 2021 there should be about 400 million smartphones sold worldwide . . . and the same amount of love toys. They project that the average woman who uses toys will be spending $300 per year on them in the next decade. (Xbiz)

Only One in Four High School Yearbooks Still Features "Most Likely To Succeed" . . . Because It Puts Too Much Pressure On the Winner:

We just LOVE coddling our kids today. God forbid we actually tell them we expect them to make something of themselves. --According to a recent study, only about one out of four high school yearbooks still features the classic "Most Likely To Succeed" award. --Twenty years ago, more than three in four yearbooks featured it. --And apparently the reason is that we're afraid to give a kid a label that will HAUNT them for the rest of their life: Always pushing them to be a success and making them feel like a failure if they're not an NFL star-turned-doctor-turned-senator. --A survey by the website also found that about one out of three people who were named "Most Likely To Succeed" back in high school say it was a, quote, "curse." Two in five say it was a, quote, "inspiration." --30-year-old Blake Atwood of Irving, Texas, is one of the people who said it was a curse. He was voted "Most Likely To Succeed" by his classmates back in 1998, and he works as a copywriter for a law firm now. --Quote, "Being noosed with 'most likely to succeed' is like lugging an albatross to every job interview, new relationship, or endeavor." (Wall Street Journal)

Two Middle School Students Were Suspended For Making 'Obscene Gestures' On the Bus . . . But it Was Flatulence?

Well, we've now reached the point where our kids can't even PASS GAS without the school freaking out. --Last Thursday, two 13-year-old boys were on the school bus, headed for Canal Winchester Middle School in central Ohio. Their names haven't been released. But on the bus, both of the boys let out some FLATULENCE. --As you'd expect, the kids on the bus didn't just sit there, stone-faced, staring straight ahead . . . they laughed and yelled and opened windows. --Apparently, this wasn't the first time these two boys had passed gas on the bus . . . they'd done it a few weeks earlier. The bus driver had warned them not to do it again. But they did. --So when they got to the school, the bus driver reported them to the vice principal. And he gave both boys mandatory ONE-DAY SUSPENSIONS from the bus for, quote, "obscene gestures in violation of the student code of conduct." --James Nichols is the father of one of the boys. He says the school, quote, "suggested [his] son should hold his gas on this hour-long bus ride if, in fact, he has gas." (Columbus Dispatch)

In Michigan, a Woman Loses an Uncontested School Board Election Because She Didn't Bother To Vote For Herself:

Ultimately, I think it's for the best that this woman lost this election. Because she's clearly apathetic toward politics and all about passing the buck. --Lisa Osborn was running UNCONTESTED for a seat on the Bentley, Michigan Board of Education on May 3rd. And she lost. Because she didn't get a single vote . . . not even her own. --Lisa was a write-in candidate for the school board seat. So she just needed one person to write her name down to win . . . but no one did. --As for why she didn't vote for herself, Lisa skipped voting to go to her son's baseball game at Flint Southwestern Academy. --She says, quote, "I [thought I] would have gotten a vote. I had plenty of people I know that would have gone up there and voted." --Toby Bauldry is the secretary of the Board and she says she's HAPPY that Lisa lost because, quote, "she couldn't find the time to go and vote for herself." --The Board will now take applications, conduct interviews, and appoint someone to the vacant seat. Lisa says she's going to apply and try to get the seat that way. (Flint Journal)
(NC-17) The Fire Department Had To Rescue an Elderly Man Whose Testes Got Caught in His Shower Chair:

Look, people joke about how old men's testes droop so much, you'd think they'd drag on the ground . . . but those things can be dangerous. Just look at this guy. --His name and age weren't given, we only know he's an elderly man in Tooting, England, in the south part of London. --Last week he was showering, and he uses one of those plastic shower chairs that have slats in the seat. Basically, they look like plastic lawn chairs. --Well . . . as the man showered, his man-sack slipped through one of the slats. And got TRAPPED.--The fire department had to come to his house and cut the chair to free his testes. There's no word on who called the fire department. --The man was briefly taken to the hospital to be checked out, but he was fine. (Wandsworth Guardian)


The Guy With the Sexual Fetish For Slashing Exercise Balls Has Been Arrested Yet Again:

33-year-old Christopher Neil Bjerkness of Duluth, Minnesota has one of the STRANGEST FETISHES I've ever heard of. And trust me, in this job, you hear about a LOT of fetishes. --Christopher gets sexually excited by slashing exercise balls with a knife. --Yep. For whatever reason, that turns him on. And it's gotten him in a lot of trouble in the past. So much trouble that he got his own police nickname . . . "The Duluth Ball Slasher." --In 2005, he was convicted of first-degree criminal damage for using a knife to slash exercise balls at the University of Minnesota's Sports and Health Center. --Then, in 2009, he was convicted of third-degree burglary for breaking into a physical therapy clinic in Duluth and slashing more exercise balls there. --And now, it's happened again. --On Sunday afternoon, Christopher was arrested for breaking into a school called Chester Creek Academy with the plan to . . . slash some exercise balls. --The police got there before he could knife any of the balls in the room. Christopher was arrested, with charges pending. (Duluth News Tribune)

A Man Was Arrested After Whole Foods Told Him To Stop Taking So Many Free Samples . . . And He Put an Employee In the Vulcan Death Grip:

Whole Foods is pretty good about putting out free samples. Because they know they're crack dealers . . . you taste one bite of a $20 wheel of Gouda and you're going to have to buy it. --But when you abuse their samples, they ALSO handle that like a crack dealer . . . and they ain't havin' it. --On Monday afternoon, at a Whole Foods in Hinsdale, Illinois, a 66-year-old man was just going to town on the free samples. And he wasn't doing it in a sanitary way . . . he had both hands going back and forth into the cheese bin. --A 29-year-old female employee came up and asked him to stop abusing the free samples. --And he responded by . . . putting her in the VULCAN DEATH GRIP. The man pinched the woman's shoulder and started squeezing. Then he started shaking her. --Other people broke up the fight and called the police. The man was arrested and charged with battery. (Chicago Tribune Local) (--Check out a sweet YouTube video of all the times Leonard Nimoy applied the Vulcan nerve pinch on the old "Star Trek", here.)

Police In Michigan Arrest a Grown Man Dressed as Batman Hanging From the Top of a Building:

Some people are just way cooler than you and me. --Yesterday, just before 1:00 A.M., the police in Petoskey, Michigan got a call that Batman was on the roof of a building. And he was. Sort of. --They spotted a man in a full Batman costume hanging off the ledge of a building. Considering how dangerous this was, it's fitting that he was hanging off Petoskey's Department of Public Safety. --The police pulled Batman back onto the roof and arrested him. Turns out his secret identity was 31-year-old Mark Williams. --And, on Mark's MySpace page, he describes himself as a, quote, "geek . . . into comics and action figures." (--It appears he's taken his page down.) --In addition to his Batman costume, he had a Batman baton, lead-lined gloves, and a canister of pepper spray. There's no word on what he was doing on the roof, whether it was 'fake-fighting' crime, or what. (The Smoking Gun)

Police Arrest a Cannibal Who Posted an Online Ad Looking For a Volunteer To Kill and Eat:

So . . . um . . . I guess CANNIBALS still exist in this world. So watch out for them on Craigslist. --In Kysak, Slovakia, a 43-year-old CANNIBAL . . . whose name hasn't been released . . . recently posted an Internet ad with a perfectly reasonable request. --He was looking for someone to come to his house . . . commit suicide . . . and then be eaten. --A man in Switzerland saw the ad and actually AGREED to do it. The plan was for him to go to the cannibal's house, they'd go out to the woods, the man would stab himself, and the cannibal would cut up the body and take it home in chunks to eat. --Before that could go down, the man in Switzerland changed his mind . . . and called the police. --Police in Kysak headed over to the cannibal's house to arrest him . . . but he wasn't going down without a fight. --The cannibal OPENED FIRE on the cops who went to his house, hitting one. That officer is still in serious condition. --The cannibal was also hit in the gun battle and has been hospitalized in critical condition. (--PLEASE keep him out of the morgue. Especially if he's got a hotplate in one hand and Chianti in the other.) (Washington Post)

Random News Extras . . . Random Links to Additional Stories:

The TSA is working on a "trusted travelers" program, where people who qualify can leave their shoes on, leave their laptops in their bags, and not have to go through the body scanner / pat-down process. They'd use frequent-flier programs as a starting point, and throw in randomness and exceptions to throw off terrorists. (Full Story)

A kid in Connecticut asked a girl to prom by putting a big cardboard sign on the front wall of the school, using double-sided tape. She said yes . . . but the school suspended him and is preventing him from going to the prom. (Full Story)

X-ray of the Day: A guy in Vegas fell asleep at the wheel last November, hit a chain link fence, had a pole impaled through his head, and lived. (Full Story)

A company out of New York unveiled a portable eye scanner at a tech conference on Tuesday. It's called 'EyeLock,' and it's a USB drive that scans your iris and gives you access to all your online accounts without using a password. (Full Story)

Authorities say Facebook, Twitter, and social networking in general make it easier for criminals to target police, monitor police activity during crimes and hostage-takings . . . and may help them identify undercover cops. (Full Story)

Dog bite claims are up 5.3% since last year, and it's the biggest jump since 2007. The average cost per claim was $26,000, which is up from $24,840 in 2009. And one third of homeowners' liability claims come from dog bites. (Full Story)

A high-stakes blackjack player took Atlantic City's Tropicana Casino for $5.8 million last month, and single-handedly ruined their month. (Full Story)

An air conditioner repairman in Augusta, Georgia discovered a homeless guy living on the roof of a Waffle House. No one knows how long he was living there, but he was taken to a local hospital for dehydration. (Full Story)


#1.) A Guy Dressed as Batman Got Body Slammed and Punched in the Face by a Tourist in Las Vegas:

Sometimes street performers are so annoying that you want to punch them in the face. But some guy on the Las Vegas strip actually DID. --There's a video on of a tourist getting into it with a guy dressed as Batman. And after body slamming him, he punches Batman in the face five or six times. But the best part might be Batman's lame karate moves. (--Search for "Batman Beatdown on Vegas Strip." The karate moves start at :40, and Batman gets body slammed at 1:02.)

#2.) And Now . . . A Montage of Advice From Cinema's Greatest Dads:

Father's Day is still over a month away, but to promote a new book called "My Dad Is a Bro", the website posted a montage on YouTube called "Advice From Cinema's Greatest Dads". --It includes wise words from Marlon Brando in "The Godfather", Chevy Chase in "Vacation", Darth Vader in "The Empire Strikes Back" and over 20 other movie dads. (--WARNING: This video includes the F-word and the words "poontang", "masturbating" and "a**hole".)
#3.) An Irish PSA About Child Abuse Is So Violent, Some People Think It Goes Too Far:

The Irish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children has released a new PSA on YouTube that's so violent, some people think they went too far. --It shows a little boy talking about how he can't wait to grow up . . . while his father slaps him, punches him, throws him against the wall, and steps on his face. It's so realistic, it's hard to watch. (--Search for "ISPCC I Can't Wait Until I Grow Up.") (--WARNING: This video shows realistic footage of child abuse.)

Six Things Women Do to Look Hot . . . That Men Actually Hate:

Women do way more to look good for men than men do for women. But some of the stuff women do can actually be a turn-off. Here are six things women do to look hot . . . that men actually hate.

#1.) Too Much Foundation. When it's caked on it just makes you look fake. And guys assume that without makeup, your face is covered in scars and acne.

#2.) Neon Lipstick. It's becoming popular all of a sudden, and guys might eventually LEARN to like it. But so far, they don't. --And they also don't like it when women wear light red or pink lipstick, then trace around the edges with a dark lip liner.

#3.) Super-Thin Eyebrows. If you have a uni-brow, obviously a little plucking is a good idea. But guys don't like it when women pluck their eyebrows until they're a millimeter thick. --Or worse, until they're gone completely and you have to DRAW them on. Men tend to prefer a more natural look.

#4.) A Bump In Your Hair. Having a small bump in front is okay. But the bump Snooki used to sport was WAY too big. And it just looks silly to most guys.

#5.) Rosy Red Cheeks. Most men like make-up they don't notice. And in general, rouge is better on old ladies.

#6.) Glitter. A little bit in a few key areas can be good . . . like on your cleavage. But too much is just annoying because it tends to rub off on other people. And by the end of the night, EVERYONE'S wearing glitter. (


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