Monday, May 16, 2011



It's Official: Ashton Kutcher Has Joined the Cast of "Two and a Half Men" . . . So What Does Charlie Sheen Have to Say About It?

It's official: ASHTON KUTCHER has replaced CHARLIE SHEEN on "Two and a Half Men". Production begins this summer, and the show will be back on the air in the fall. --Not surprisingly, Charlie's first reaction wasn't entirely positive. --On Friday, he said, quote, "Ashton Kutcher is a sweetheart and a brilliant comedic performer. Oh wait, so am I!! Enjoy the show America, Enjoy seeing 2.0 in the demo every Monday, WB. --"Enjoy planet Chuck, Ashton. There is no air, laughter, loyalty, or love there." (--That crack about a "2.0 in the demo" is Charlie's way of saying the show is going to get crappy ratings. "Planet Chuck" is a reference to Charlie's sworn enemy, "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre.) --But later in the day, Charlie Tweeted, quote, "#Winning Congrats to the cast and crew...CBS & WB..! My best to @aplusk !! The show must go on... You got the right guy! c." --And Ashton replied, quote, "#2.5 @charliesheen Thanks man. Always been a fan, always will be! BTW you were 'born big.'"

Ashton Kutcher Says He Can't Replace Charlie Sheen:

ASHTON KUTCHER is stoked to have the "Two and a Half Men" gig. But in a statement Friday, he also made sure to pay respects to CHARLIE SHEEN. --He said, quote, "I can't wait to get to work with this ridiculously talented 2.5 team and I believe we can fill the stage with laughter that will echo in viewers' homes. --"I can't replace Charlie Sheen but I'm going to work my ass off to entertain the hell out of people!" -Charlie's good buddy CHUCK LORRE had this to say . . . quote, "We are so lucky to have someone as talented, joyful and just plain remarkable as Ashton joining our family. --"Added to that is the deep sigh of relief knowing that our family stays together. If I was any happier, it'd be illegal." (--Chuck didn't have any kind, parting words for Charlie. Not saying I'm surprised.) --Ashton got the gig after HUGH GRANT bowed out of negotiations. The show will be re-tooled slightly to fit Ashton's strengths, which are . . . uh . . . well . . . I'm gonna have to get back to you on that. (???)

What Will Ashton Kutcher Make on "Two and a Half Men"?

Since CHARLIE SHEEN was pulling down about $2 million an episode for "Two and a Half Men", everyone obviously wants to know what they're going to pay ASHTON KUTCHER to replace him. --The short answer is: Less. And that's actually about as specific as we can be right now, because nobody's talking. --Charlie's base salary was $1.25 million. The rest of his pay came from profit participation. --"People" magazine claims Ashton will make between $650,000 and $750,000 per episode. --TMZ says it's between $650,000 and $900,000. --And the "Wall Street Journal" claims he's making a cool million. --Nobody's saying if any of these numbers include profit participation, or if Ashton will get a cut of the profits on top of any of these figures. --The good news is, he probably won't starve either way.

Jon Cryer Is "Jazzed" About "Two and a Half Men" Coming Back:

JON CRYER issued a statement saying he's JAZZED that "Two and a Half Men" isn't getting canceled. --He said, quote, "I'm jazzed about the news this morning that 'Two and a Half Men' is coming back! For all the rest of the cast and crew I'm sure they are equally excited." --Jon was classy enough to give CHARLIE SHEEN some props before expressing his excitement at ASHTON KUTCHER joining the cast. --He said, quote, "I want to express my enormous gratitude to Charlie Sheen for eight great seasons. I'm extremely proud of the work we've done together, and I will miss him. But I'm also looking forward to this new beginning." --He added, quote, "Ashton is an extraordinarily talented guy, and his presence will be an asset to our show. --"We are old friends from our male modeling days, and we're both looking forward to being judged for our comedic artistry, as opposed to our exceptional physical beauty."

Rihanna Is Now Following Chris Brown on Twitter:

A little over two years after she got smacked around by him, RIHANNA is now following CHRIS BROWN on Twitter. --On Saturday, a 14-year-old girl who follows Rihanna on Twitter noticed this, and asked Rihanna if she was getting back together with him. --She said, quote, "I never thought you would go back to him! You better not, it's your life but you do have (people) that look up to you. e.g. young girls." --Rihanna replied, quote, "Its [effin] twitter, not the alter! Calm down." (--Yes, she spelled "alter" wrong. The correct spelling for the thing you stand in front of in church to get married is a-l-t-A-r.) --The fan then apologized . . . which prompted Rihanna to apologize to HER. She said, quote, "Babygirl I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt or offend u! Just needed to make it clear to the Navy...xoxo." (--"The Navy" is what Rihanna calls her fans.) --Rihanna then began following the girl on Twitter.
-There's no word from Chris Brown on any of this . . . although it should be noted that he's following Rihanna, too.
A-Hole of the Day: Jesse James Isn't Sure Sandra Bullock Was Sincere When She Made All Those Speeches About Him Being Her "Rock":

For the second time this month, JESSE JAMES is our A-HOLE OF THE DAY. --Jesse was on "Piers Morgan Tonight" Friday, and he basically accused SANDRA BULLOCK of LYING when she said during all those award shows last year that he was her "rock". --When Piers brought up her speeches, Jesse said, quote, "She said that same speech at four different awards shows." --When Piers asked him what he meant by that, he said, quote, "You can take whatever you get out of it." --He admitted that she might have meant it, quote, "to a certain extent" . . . but then he asked Piers what Sandra does for a living. He prodded Piers on that point until he said she's an ACTOR. --Then Jesse very smugly replied, quote, "Oh, okay. Cool." (--Wow. See for yourself what a GIGANTIC A-HOLE Jesse was here.) --Meanwhile, in an interview with "Men's Journal", he said, quote, "I never shied away from anything I did. I took full responsibility. I cheated on my wife. Guess what? So do millions of other men."

That Friend of Tom Sizemore's Who Went Missing Is Okay:

TOM SIZEMORE'S missing friend isn't missing anymore. 25-year-old Megan Lacy Wren . . . who had been missing since March 31st . . . was found at a home in Los Angeles and has been reunited with her family. --There's no word why she disappeared. --Wren was identified by several sources as Sizemore's girlfriend, and he was questioned by police . . . although they never said he was a suspect in her disappearance. Tom's rep said Megan was just a friend, and Tom had tried to help her through some personal problems. --Tom released a statement saying he was, quote, "relieved and happy" that Megan is okay.

Chad Ochocinco Lasted 1.5 Seconds Riding a Bull:

Cincinnati Bengals receiver CHAD OCHOCINCO rode a bull at a rodeo this weekend in Georgia. He lasted 1.5 seconds. --He made $10,000 just for trying. And he also wore a bunch of logos on his clothing like a NASCAR driver . . . which he claimed earned him another $200,000. (--Check out pictures and video here.)

Check Out Gwyneth Paltrow's Hangover Cure:

Need a good hangover cure? GWYNETH PALTROW'S got one. --Gwyneth enjoys Guinness and red wine, but she rarely feels sick after a night of drinking. Here's why . . . --She says, quote, "I take a cold shower in the morning and then I go into the sauna and drink a lot of water throughout the day. Green tea also helps!"

Ginnifer Goodwin's First Name Is Now Legally "Ginnifer":

Here's something you probably didn't know about "Big Love" star GINNIFER GOODWIN: Even though she spells her name G-I-N-N-I-F-E-R, her given name is actually Jennifer. As in J-E-N-N-I-F-E-R. --Last month, she finally filed papers to legally change it to Ginnifer, starting with the letters G-I. It became official on Friday.

Mike Myers Is Going to Be A Dad:

MIKE MYERS and his new wife Kelly Tisdale are expecting their first child. Kelly is said to be in her second trimester . . . which means she's somewhere between four and six months along. --Mike and Kelly got married last fall, but kept it a secret until this past March. They started dating in 2006, after Myers split with his wife of 12 years, Robin Ruzan. (--Mike and Robin had no kids.)

Jenna Fischer Is Pregnant:

JENNA FISCHER . . . a.k.a. Pam from "The Office" . . . is pregnant. This will be the first child for Jenna and her husband, Lee Kirk. --Lee is Jenna's second husband. She was married from 2000 to 2008 to writer (slash) director JAMES GUNN . . . whose credits include such classics as "Tromeo & Juliet", "Slither", the "Dawn of the Dead" remake and this year's "Super".
Is Scarlett Johansson Determined to Get Pregnant Up By Sean Penn?

People are still trying to figure out the whole SEAN PENN / SCARLETT JOHANSSON thing. --Is he serious, or is he just trying to sow some middle-age wild oats? And what about Scarlett? Is this true love . . . or is she with Sean for the image rub? Maybe she's just a starstruck kid. --Whatever the case, the sporadically-reliable "In Touch Weekly" tells us that Scarlett is trying to wrangle some of Sean's MAN-SEED . . . but he doesn't want to give it up. --A source says, quote, "Sean's telling her that he has no interest in starting a new family, but she's determined to have a child with him." --Meanwhile, Sean's relationship with Scarlett has reportedly cost him his friendship with NAOMI WATTS. --Apparently, Naomi warned Sean that the relationship might not be such a great idea . . . and so he has CUT NAOMI OUT OF HIS LIFE. A source says, quote, "She's very sad about it all."

Rebecca Black Is Not Pregnant:

There's a rumor going around that 14-year-old REBECCA BLACK . . . the singer of THE song of 2011, "Friday" . . . is pregnant. --Obviously, she's not. Yesterday she Tweeted, quote, "I thought it was May 15th ... not April Fool's Day. I'm absolutely NOT pregnant."

Mariah Carey's Twins Were Born Listening to a Live Recording of Mariah Carey:

There's absolutely NOTHING surprising about this: MARIAH CAREY'S twins were born listening to . . . Mariah Carey's music. And not just any music. She made sure they heard something very specific. --NICK CANNON says, quote, "My wife wanted to make sure that when the babies came out, that they came out not only to a Mariah Carey song, but a live performance from Mariah Carey: her Madison Square Garden performance of 'Fantasy'. --"So they came out to a round of applause."

Charles Oakley Says He Was Beaten By Security Guards at a Las Vegas Casino:

Retired NBA stud CHARLES OAKLEY claims he was beaten down by security guards at a Las Vegas casino last year. --Oakley says he was a guest at the VIP pool area of the Aria hotel-casino last May. But when he left and tried to return, the guards wouldn't let him back in. --After arguing with them for a while, Oakley tried to return to his room . . . but the guards wrestled him to the ground, punched and handcuffed him. --In a lawsuit filed last week, Oakley says he suffered injuries to his neck, back, head and wrist . . . and some or all of them could be, quote, "permanent and disabling." --Oakley is seeking unspecified general, special and punitive damages. --Oakley is 47 years old. He played power forward for Chicago, New York, Toronto, Washington and Houston from 1985 to 2004.

NHL Badass Derek Boogaard Was Found Dead Friday:

NHL badass DEREK BOOGAARD . . . who had a reputation as a fighter and an all-around tough player . . . was found dead in his apartment in Minneapolis on Friday. He was only 28 years old. --Boogaard played most of his career with the Minnesota Wild, but signed with the New York Rangers last July. --This past December he suffered a concussion during a fight with MATT CARKNER of the Ottawa Senators. He never recovered sufficiently to play again, but it's not clear yet whether that had anything to do with his death. --Boogaard's family donated his brain to the Sports Legacy Institute, which studies the damage that can occur to the brains of athletes in contact sports. --After Boogaard's death, Rangers President Glen Sather released a statement saying, quote, "Derek was an extremely kind and caring individual. He was a very thoughtful person, who will be dearly missed by all those who knew him. --"We extend our deepest sympathies to his family, friends and teammates during this difficult time."

"Thor" Is Still #1 at the Box Office:

"Thor" made another $34.5 million this weekend to top the box office for a second straight week. The KRISTEN WIIG-MAYA RUDOLPH comedy "Bridesmaids" came in second place with a better-than-expected take of $24.4 million. --And "Priest's" Friday the 13th release date proved to be unlucky for the film . . . it only made $14.5 million in fourth place. Here are this week's Top 10 movies . . .

1.) "Thor", $34.5 million. Up to $119 million in its 2nd week.
2.) (NEW) "Bridesmaids", $24.4 million.
3.) "Fast Five", $19.5 million. Up to $169 million in its 3rd week.

NBC Has Announced Their New Shows for the 2011-2012 Season:

This week, all the major networks will be unveiling their schedules for next season. --NBC is up first, and for the second year in a row they're launching a TON of new shows. (--It seems like NBC is still recovering from clearing one-third of their primetime schedule for the short-lived "Jay Leno Show" two years ago.) --Here's a quick summary of the 12 new shows: --"Awake": British actor Jason Isaacs plays a police detective who finds himself in two realities after a car accident on the job. You'd know Isaacs as Draco Malfoy's dad in the "Harry Potter" movies. It also stars Wilmer Valderrama. --"Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea": The story is loosely based on Chelsea Handler's life. "That '70s Show" star Laura Prepon plays Chelsea, and Chelsea will have a recurring role as her own sister. --"Bent": A sitcom starring Amanda Peet as a recently divorced mom. It's about her relationship with the contractor she hired to redo her kitchen. --"BFFs": The title, of course, stands for Best Friends Forever. It's about "a woman and her live-in boyfriend who wind up taking in her distraught and pushy best girlfriend after a divorce." As horrible as that situation sounds, it's supposed to be a comedy. --"The Firm": It's based on the 1991 John Grisham novel, which was made into a Tom Cruise movie back in 1993. The series will take place 10 years after the movie left off. (--It's still unclear how that will work out, plot-wise.) --"Free Agents": A sitcom starring Hank Azaria and Kathryn Hahn as P.R. execs on "romantic rebounds." It's based on a British show of the same name. Hank is famous for his "Simpsons" voices, and Kathryn played Lily on "Crossing Jordan". --"Grimm": A drama about cops who protect innocent people from the kinds of evil beasts that were described in Grimm's Fairy Tales. --"The Playboy Club": A drama about a Chicago Playboy club set in the 1960s. It stars Amber Heard and Eddie Cibrian. (--There's been talk that it might push the envelope, nudity-wise, for a show on a broadcast network.) --"Prime Suspect": A remake of a British crime show that starred Helen Mirren. This U.S. version will star Maria Bello, who you may know from "A History of Violence", "Coyote Ugly" and "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor". --"Smash": A "musical drama" starring Debra Messing, former "American Idol" runner-up Katherine McPhee and Anjelica Huston. Some people are saying it's like "Glee" for adults.--"Up All Night": A sitcom starring Christina Applegate as a working mother and Will Arnett as her stay-at-home husband. It also stars Maya Rudolph. --"Whitney": A "relationship comedy" based on the standup comedy of Whitney Cummings. (--You can find out more about Whitney at her website, here.) (--You can check out preview videos of all NBC's new shows, here.) (--The site also includes a few other shows that weren't included in yesterday's Upfront announcement, that we assume are mid-season replacements. One of them is Betty White's "Off Their Rockers".)

NBC's Cancellations and Renewals:

The shows NBC is NOT bringing back next season are:

--"Outsourced", "Law & Order: Los Angeles", "The Event" and "Chase".

--The shows they ARE bringing back include:

--"Chuck", "Parenthood", "Harry's Law", "The Sing-Off", "The Biggest Loser", "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit", "Community", "Parks and Recreation", "The Office", "The Voice" and "30 Rock".

--Also, "Celebrity Apprentice" will return, with or without DONALD TRUMP. If he DOES run for president, they'll get someone to take his place. NBC has not said who that would be. (--Although I think we can safely assume it won't be MARTHA STEWART. As you may recall, a spin-off "Apprentice" with Martha in the Trump role premiered in 2005. It didn't do that well and only lasted one season.) --And NBC will bring "Sunday Night Football" back, assuming there IS football this fall. If there isn't . . . or if the season is delayed a few weeks . . . NBC has some, quote, "high-quality, live entertainment reality-type shows that would fill the gap." --"30 Rock" won't be back on the schedule until winter because of TINA FEY'S pregnancy. And although NBC is bringing "Chuck" back, this will be the show's final season.

Is Jennifer Love-Hewitt Joining the Cast of "Law & Order: SVU"?

Word has it that JENNIFER LOVE-HEWITT is in the running to land a lead role on "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit". She'd be taking MARISKA HARGITAY'S spot. says Mariska wanted a decreased workload, so producers agreed to give her character a promotion halfway through the upcoming season, which would cut down on her screen time.

CBS Has Canceled "[Bleep] My Dad Says" and Two Other Shows:

WILLIAM SHATNER is out of a job. --CBS has announced that they're canceling "[Bleep] My Dad Says", "The Defenders" and "Mad Love". CBS will reveal their full schedule on Wednesday.

ABC Has Canceled "Brothers and Sisters", and Several Other Shows:

ABC is cutting a lot of shows from its schedule next season. Here's the list: "Brothers and Sisters", "No Ordinary Family", "Detroit 1-8-7", "V", "Off the Map", "Better with You" and "Mr. Sunshine". (--Not that it's related . . . necessarily . . . but last week, "Mr. Sunshine" star MATTHEW PERRY announced that he was going back to rehab.) --ABC will unveil its full schedule for next season tomorrow.

Kym Johnson from Suffered a Neck Injury During "Dancing With the Stars" Practice, But She'll Be Able to Keep Competing:

KYM JOHNSON . . . HINES WARD'S partner on "Dancing With the Stars" . . . suffered a neck injury while rehearsing on Friday. She fell, but there are no other specifics on what happened. --Kym was taken to the hospital, and some doctors checked her out. She was released later . . . in a NECK BRACE. But it sounds like that's just precautionary. Her rep said, quote, "She's doing OK, better safe than sorry." --And Kym posted a message on Facebook saying, quote, "I'm a little shaken up [and] sore but I'll be fine." She IS expected to dance with Hines on tonight's show. (--Here's a picture of Kym wearing her neck brace.)

James Durbin Wants to Record a Mainstream Metal Album:

Now that JAMES DURBIN is no longer on "American Idol" . . . he's going to start working on a metal album. He says, quote, "We're going to force it onto the airwaves. It's no joke . . . we feel very strongly about our music." --James also had this to say about being eliminated after performing JOURNEY'S "Don't Stop Believin'": Quote, "It's kind of funny: A friend I made while out here is Chris Jericho, who was on 'Dancing with the Stars'. --"Big metal-head, singer in a metal band, pro wrestler. The last song he danced to before his elimination was 'Don't Stop Believin''. So 'Don't Stop Believin'' eliminated James Durbin, Chris Jericho and Tony Soprano."

25 Things You Don't Know About James Durbin:

"American Idol" reject James Durbin filled out one of "Us" magazine's "25 Things You Don't Know About Me" features. Here are the highlights . . .

--"I don't eat beef because cows are too cute!"

--"I believe Dio is, was and always will be the father of metal."

--"I have a weak stomach! No horror movies!"

--"My guilty pleasure is 'Full House' reruns."

--"I used to be obsessed with the color orange."

(--You can check out James' complete list, here.)
The "Jersey Shore" Cast Is in Italy, and Snooki's Worried All the Pasta Will Make Her Fat:

After several delays, the cast of "Jersey Shore" has finally made it to Italy. And at least for now, their biggest concern is grasping a basic understanding of Italian . . . so that they'll be able to get food. --RONNIE picked up some language software so he can order something more elaborate than pasta . . . and SNOOKI is going to do the same thing, because her diet is at stake. --She says, quote, "Obviously we need to communicate with Italians and none of us speak Italian . . . all we're gonna eat is pasta. We're all gonna get fat. I'm very, very scared because I'm trying to lose weight. --"So going to Italy and drinking wine and having spaghetti all day, it throws me off course." (--Here are some pictures from the cast's first few days in Italy.)

GLAAD Has Honored Kim Cattrall and "The Kids Are All Right":

The GLAAD Media Awards held their final award banquet of the year on Saturday night, and at this one they honored KIM CATTRALL with their Golden Gate Award . . . and named "The Kids Are All Right" Outstanding Film. (--You can see all this year's GLAAD Media Award recipients, here.)

Monday TV Reminders: (--Check your local listings.)

--"Dancing with the Stars" [Performance Show] . . . 8:00 to 10:00 P.M. on ABC. Kirstie Alley, Chelsea Kane, Ralph Macchio and Hines Ward each do two dances.

--"How I Met Your Mother" [6th Season Finale] . . . 8:00 to 8:30 P.M. on CBS.

--"House" . . . 8:00 to 9:00 P.M. on Fox. (--An ex-con friend of Thirteen's needs medical treatment, but refuses to come to the hospital.)

--"Chuck" [4th Season Finale] . . . 8:00 to 9:00 P.M. on NBC.

--"90210" [3rd Season Finale] . . . 8:00 to 9:00 P.M. on the CW.

--"Mad Love" [1st Season Finale] . . . 8:30 to 9:00 P.M. on CBS.

--"Beverly Hills Fabulous" [1st Season Finale] . . . 8:30 to 9:00 P.M. on VH1.

--"Gossip Girl" [4th Season Finale] . . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on the CW. (--Airborne Toxic Event perform and "Gossip Girl" author Cecily von Ziegesar guest stars.)

--"American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior" . . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on Discovery Channel. (--Paul Sr.'s settlement offer to Paul Jr. falls flat, but when Junior learns of the death of his dad's dog, he reaches out to him.)

--"The Real Housewives of New Jersey" [3rd Season Premiere] . . . 9:00 to 10:30 P.M. on Bravo.

--"Mike & Molly" [1st Season Finale] . . . 9:30 to 10:00 P.M. on CBS.

--"Hawaii Five-0" [1st Season Finale] . . . 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on CBS.

--"Castle" [3rd Season Finale] . . . 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on ABC.


--"The Other Woman" (R)

Natalie Portman plays a new stepmom trying to connect with her stepson after losing her own baby. Lisa Kudrow is the boy's mom, who's still furious about her husband's affair and jealous of Natalie for stealing first her husband . . . and now her son. (Trailer)

--"The Roommate" (PG-13)

"Gossip Girl's" Leighton Meester plays a deranged college freshman who becomes obsessed with her new roommate, Minka Kelly from "Friday Night Lights". (Trailer) --Isn't this just a rip-off of the 1992 thriller "Single White Female" with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh? Check out the trailer for that one here.)

--"Vanishing on 7th Street" (R)

A thriller starring Hayden Christensen, Thandie Newton, and John Leguizamo as the survivors of a deserted city, littered with clothes of people who simply vanished. --It's basically about our fear of the dark, with evil whispering shadows claiming anyone who strays from the protection of the light. And as power sources start failing, the only protection ends up being a gasoline-powered generator at an abandoned bar. (Trailer)

--"The Rite" (PG-13)

Anthony Hopkins is an experienced exorcist who trains a skeptical seminary student, until he himself is possessed. An unknown actor named Colin O'Donoghue is the young exorcist trying to drive the Devil out of Anthony Hopkins. (Trailer)

--"The Mechanic" (R)

An action flick starring Jason Statham as an assassin looking for some major revenge after his mentor, Donald Sutherland, is murdered. Ben Foster plays the dead guy's son, who convinces Statham to teach him everything he knows. If you're a sci-fi fan, you might remember Foster as the dude with wings in the third "X-Men" movie. (Trailer)

--"Broken Hill" (PG)

--A drama about a guy in the Australian Outback who wants to leave his dad's sheep farm and get into an elite music conservatorium. Timothy Hutton plays his dad, Alexa Vega is his girlfriend and it stars some guy named Luke Arnold.

TV Series On DVD:

--"Royal Pains: Season 2" . . . a four-disc DVD set.
--"Covert Affairs: Season One" . . . a three-disc set of Piper Perabo's spy show.
--"The Bionic Woman: Season Two" . . . a five-disc set. (--It ran three seasons.)
--"All in the Family: The Complete Ninth Season" . . . a three-disc DVD set.
--"Flashpoint: The Complete Third Season" . . . a four-disc DVD set.
--"Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job: Season 5" . . . a single-disc DVD set.


"L.A. Noire" Is This Week's Big Release . . . and a Candidate for Game of the Year:

--"L.A. Noire" (M) . . . on Xbox360 and PS3. This is the latest game from the same guys who made the "Grand Theft Auto" games and "Red Dead Redemption". You play a Los Angeles detective in the 1940s and your cases are based on infamous crimes from the time period, such as the Black Dahlia murder. (--The PS3 version also includes a bonus case called "Consul's Car".) You start as a beat cop and work your way up the ranks within your department. Each time you rank up you receive a new partner who will investigate, chase down the bad guys and they'll even drive you around L.A. if you're too lazy to do it yourself. And thanks to the new MotionScan facial animation technology, which uses 32 cameras surrounding the voice actor, you will be able to read the character's face on the screen to determine if they are telling the truth or not when you are interrogating them. (Trailer)

--"The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings" (M) . . . on PC. In this epic RPG you play as a "Witcher" named Geralt of Rivia. Witcher's have standard fantasy skills like the ability to use magic and slice enemies up with a variety of weapons. Thanks to the VERY mature storyline of "The Witcher" series instead of receiving a shiny new sword or a few gold pieces from the damsel in distress you just rescued, she might just GET IT ON WITH YOU as her way of saying thanks for a job well done. Seriously, if this game is anything like its predecessor you will have so much fantasy video game sex that you won't be able to tell where an elf begins and an orc ends. (Trailer)

ESRB Game Ratings: (E) for Everyone; (T) for Teen; (M) for Mature (18+)


This Week's CD Releases:

--"Give Till It's Gone", Ben Harper (--Beatles legend Ringo Starr co-wrote and played drums on two tracks: "Spilling Faith" and "Get There from Here". Jackson Browne appears on the song "Pray That Our Love Sees the Dawn".)

--"Rome", Danger Mouse (of Gnarls Barkley) & (male Italian composer) Daniele Luppi (--The album took five years to make . . . and the music was inspired by the music in spaghetti westerns. You can give it a listen, here.)

--"Holding Onto Strings Better Left To Fray", Seether

--"Destroyed", Moby (--He's described the sound on the album as, quote, "broken down melodic electronic music for empty cities at 2:00 A.M.")

--"The Way It Was", Parachute (--Check out "Something to Believe In (Jeremiah)", here.)

--"Michael Grimm", Michael Grimm . . . a.k.a. the winner the fifth season of "America's Got Talent". (--"Gasoline and Matches" features Heart's Ann Wilson.)

Lady Gaga Says She's Single:

LADY GAGA updated her relationship status on a British talk show recently . . . saying, quote, "I don't have a boyfriend and haven't been on any dates recently because I have been working so hard and I get very bored very quickly with men." --That means Lady Gaga's on-again off-again relationship with Luc Carl is off-again. They dated while she was writing her first album . . . then split up for a few years . . . and then last summer she told "Rolling Stone" they were back together.

Etta James Is Back in the Hospital:

Legendary singer ETTA JAMES is back in the hospital. She's suffering from blood poisoning, which is a potentially fatal condition. She dealt with a similar issue back in January of last year, and has also been diagnosed with dementia and leukemia. --The blood poisoning was caused by a urinary tract infection. Fortunately, it seems like Etta will be OK. Her manager says the doctors have stabilized her condition, and that she's, quote, "a very strong woman, who'll probably live to be 100 years old." --Etta is 73 years old now.

Bow Wow Doesn't Like When Rappers Take Typical Movie Roles:

BOW WOW says he doesn't like seeing rappers in movies, but not because they're bad actors . . . although some of them definitely are. He has a problem with it because they're usually playing stereotypical roles, like rappers. --And Bow Wow is a rapper and wannabe-actor himself. --He explains, quote, "I'm always looking for a role that's a challenge. I hate when I'm watching rappers in movies, because it pisses me off when I see them still being the rapper and I try to stay away from that. --"Anything that's a challenge is something that I'm up for. --"Nobody knows this . . . but the craziest thing that I did not do was 'Big Mama's House 3'. They wanted me to be the role that Brandon T. Jackson played, but I passed because I was scared of that (crap). --"I feel like I'm ready to take my career to the next level, but it's all about making the right decisions and I feel like I made the right decision by not making that particular film . . . you know if it's not [a fit for you] once you read it, and that's how I felt." --So how IS Bow Wow stretching his acting muscles? Well, he desperately wants a part in an upcoming movie about TUPAC. Bow Wow wants to play Shock G or one of the Outlawz. Yeah . . . he wants to play a RAPPER.

Josh Turner Surprised "American Idol" Finalist Scotty McCreery on Stage in North Carolina on Saturday:

Even if you're not an "American Idol" fan, you've probably heard of SCOTTY MCCREERY. He's the 16-year-old dude . . . and current Top 3 Finalist . . . with the kickass set of pipes that sound a lot like JOSH TURNER. --Well, the two finally met. Josh surprised Scotty while he was performing on Saturday in Garner, North Carolina. And Scotty was visibly stunned. Josh entered the stage and said quote, "All these people are here for you. --"I had heard you never sang this song with a band before and were a little bit nervous, so I decided I would bring a few of my guys in." Then they performed Josh's song "Your Man", which Scotty has done on "Idol". (--Here's a cell phone video of the whole thing. The quality isn't very good, but it's cool to see how blown away Scotty was. There's also a nearby girl who screams. A lot. Sorry.)


Showbiz Extras . . . Random Links to Additional Stories:

On his fourth season of "Survivor", "BOSTON ROB" MARIANO finally won the whole thing. He took 19-year-old pushover Natalie Tenerelli and endlessly-entertaining nutcase Phillip Sheppard to the Final Three with him. (Full Story)

MARIA SHRIVER hit Twitter Friday to thank all her followers for having her back. She said, quote, "Thank you for all the kindness, support and compassion. I am humbled by the love. Thank you." (Full Story)

Check out some pictures of ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER from 1986 . . . the year he married Maria Shriver . . . in which he's posing with a bunch of TOPLESS ladies dressed as royal palace guards. (Photos) (--WARNING!!! Nudity ahead!)

Fox News has spoken to experts about what will happen to LINDSAY LOHAN'S breasts over time if she keeps going braless. (Full Story)

MARY TYLER MOORE is, quote, "recovering nicely" after undergoing surgery for four hours to remove a benign tumor from the lining of her skull. (Full Story)

Check out a huge photo gallery of tattoos people have gotten of celebrities. Some are pretty good . . . some are incredibly bad. (Gallery)

Despite the fact that it's going to be an effects-heavy movie starring Robert Downey Jr., Samuel L. Jackson, Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo and Scarlett Johansson, "The Avengers" isn't going to be all that expensive a movie to make. Relatively speaking, of course. (Full Story)

KATIE COURIC'S last night anchoring "The CBS Evening News" will be this Thursday. Substitute anchors will probably rotate in the chair until SCOTT PELLEY takes over permanently on June 6th. (Full Story)

KATY PERRY has become the first artist to spend an entire year . . . 52 weeks . . . in the Top 10 of "Billboard's" Hot 100 chart. The previous record was 48 weeks, held by . . . ACE OF BASE! (Full Story)

Old-school "Playboy" Playmate and "Attack of the 50-Foot Woman" star YVETTE VICKERS died of HEART DISEASE, according to her autopsy. Vickers' body was found in her home by a neighbor last month. She'd been dead quite some time . . . probably between six months and a year. (Full Story)



Bin Laden Had a "Fairly Extensive" Stash of Porno In His Compound:

OSAMA BIN LADEN had at least three of his wives living with him in his compound in Pakistan. But apparently, their efforts still weren't meeting his sexual expectations. --According to reports, the search of bin Laden's compound turned up his GIANT PORNO STASH. -Sources say bin Laden had a, quote, "fairly extensive" cache "of modern, electronically recorded video." The pornos were found on his computer hard drives and also on DVDs. --Word also got out last week that bin Laden had a wild oat version of HERBAL VIAGRA in his medicine cabinet. --Under strict Islamic law, pornography is actually banned and considered SHAMEFUL. In Pakistan, possession of porno can be punished by up to three months in prison. --So obviously, this leak about bin Laden's porno stash could undermine his legacy . . . IF his followers believe it. --Scott Atran is an Al Qaeda expert with the John Jay College Center on Terrorism in New York . . . and he thinks bin Laden's followers won't believe it. Quote, "This is going to backfire. No one is really prepared to believe it." (New York Post)

Ladies, Here's When You're Too Old To Wear a Bikini, a Miniskirt, Knee-High Boots, a Belly Button Ring . . . and Nine Other Things:

A British company called Diet Chef asked women when they felt they were too old to wear things like bikinis, miniskirts, tube tops, and knee-high boots. Then averaged the responses to create this guide to when you're too old for different fashions . . .

--Bikini. You're too old at age 47.

--Miniskirt. 35.

--Tube top. 33.

--Stilettos. 51.

--Belly button ring. 35.

--Knee-high boots. 47.

--Leather pants. 34.

--Leggings. 45.

--UGG boots. 45.

--See-through blouse. 40.

--One-piece bathing suit. 61.

--Long hair. 53.

--Ponytail. 51.

--5% of women have been told at a store that they were trying on something that wasn't right for their age. And 20% said that regardless of when you think you're too old to wear something . . . wear it anyway if you know you can pull it off. (Daily Mail)

A Newspaper Is in Trouble For Printing a List of 10 Hottest Women In the Texas Sex Offenders Registry:

The "Houston Press" is the alternative paper in Houston, Texas. And on Thursday, they published a list that they called, quote, "The 10 Hottest Women on the Texas Sex Offenders List." --They went through the online sex offender registry, found women who were attractive . . . or, at least, not horrifically ugly . . . and then listed their names, photos, and the crimes they committed to become sex offenders. --Richard Connelly is the editor of the "Houston Press". He says the goal is to show that sex offenders have all kinds of different looks . . . they're not just the balding, ugly, middle-aged man stereotype. --Well . . . that goal didn't really resonate with their readers: The paper has been under fire ever since the list went up. --One pretty representative comment on their website said, quote, "There is nothing about child molestation that should be glorified. I cannot believe this got published and everyone involved should be fired." --The majority of the women on the list are registered sex offenders because they assaulted boys and girls who were anywhere from two to 16 years old. --Connelly apologized for the list over the weekend and said they decided to do the "hottest" sex offenders because of a, quote, "attempt to catch attention." As of right now, the list is still up on their website. (Houston Press / MediaBistro)

(NC-17) A Brazilian Court Rules That a Woman Is Legally Allowed To Have Her Way With Herself At Work:

This comes from a source we've never heard of and we can't GUARANTEE it's true . . . so let's take it for what it's worth. And what it's worth is AMAZING if it's for real. --36-year-old Ana Silvares of Vila Velha, Brazil works at an accounting firm. --And supposedly she suffers from a rare condition called "compulsion orgasmic" . . . where the chemical mixture in her brain makes her suffer a lot of pain that can only be relieved by her HAVING HER WAY WITH HERSELF. --And because of her condition, she would need to duck out of work for a 15 minute break every two hours to go to town on herself. She'd also use her work computer to find porno because, at that frequency, she needs a lot of assistance to get going.--Anyway, the accounting firm found out and threatened to fire her if she kept doing it at work. So she sued. --And last week, the courts ruled that the company MUST ALLOW her to fondle herself at least once every two hours. --Ana says that she's now on a major cocktail of drugs so she ONLY needs to have her way with herself 18 times a day. Before that, she says she was doing it up to 47 times a day. (M24 Digital)

What's Making You Chubbier at the Office . . . Sitting, Stress, or Birthday Cake?

It's a scientific fact that American office workers are getting chubbier. Well . . . all Americans are getting chubbier, but office workers are REALLY getting chubbier. That's great news for us chubby-chasers . . . but not so well-received elsewhere. --So we need to place the blame SOMEWHERE, right? --CareerBuilder just ran a survey asking workers what they feel is the biggest reason that they're gaining weight at the office. And here are the results . . .

--36% say it's because they're sitting all day.
--24% think it's the stress.
--16% believe it's because they're always going out for lunch.
--13% say it's because they skip meals with their time constraints.
--And 12% say it's all the birthday cake, potlucks, celebrations, and free candy around the office.
--Overall, 43% of the people surveyed say they've gained weight at their current job . . . only 18% say they're lighter now than when they started.
(AOL Jobs)
A Mother Is Suing Chuck E. Cheese's Because She Believes They're Running an Illegal Gambling Ring For Children:

Is CHUCK E. CHEESE'S really just the equivalent of a little kid's VEGAS? --Denise Keller is a mother with two daughters in San Diego, California. And she says yeah, that's all it is. --Denise just filed a lawsuit against Chuck E. Cheese's because she says all they're doing is running an ILLEGAL GAMBLING operation targeted at kids. --According to the lawsuit, Denise wouldn't have a problem if kids could win tickets . . . which they can turn in for prizes . . . at skilled games like Skee Ball and Whack-A-Mole. But those are becoming less and less prevalent at Chuck E. Cheese's. --Instead, the suit says, quote, "many games are illegal gambling devices that require little or no skill and are games of chance" . . . like ones where you put in a token, a wheel spins, and you get tickets based on its random result. --Basically, Denise says those are nothing more than children's slot machines. --She's seeking an undisclosed amount of money from Chuck E. Cheese's parent company, CEC Entertainment Inc., and also wants the restaurants to be banned from offering those games of chance in the future. --A rep from CEC says they don't comment on pending lawsuits. (Capitol Weekly)

Instant Karma: A Man Steals a Cancer Donation Jar From a Business and Is Immediately Hit By a Bus:

We don't have a ton of details about this story, but we have enough to know that it's a perfect reminder that INSTANT KARMA is very real, and very painful. --On Thursday in Seattle, a man snatched a Leukemia and Lymphoma Society donation jar containing about $15 from the counter of a business. Then he ran outside carrying the money . . . and was instantly hit by a bus. --The police say that no one was chasing him at the time and the bus driver tried to swerve, but couldn't avoid him. The man was taken to the hospital with critical injuries . . . but no one on the bus was hurt. (Seattle Times)

A Bus Driver Is Suspended After a Video Surfaces of Him Driving With His Elbows While Using Two Cell Phones:

This Italian bus driver is SO RECKLESS he makes American bus drivers look flat-out SANE. And that ain't right. -A video has surfaced of a bus driver in Rome, Italy talking on a cell phone with his right hand . . . texting on another phone in his left hand . . . and steering with his elbows. And he's doing all this while driving an entire bus full of people through busy streets. --The video looks like it was shot by a passenger in the front seat across from the driver. It was posted online by an Italian newspaper called "La Repubblica" and, afterward, the driver was suspended. The city is investigating. --In Italy it's illegal to use ONE cell phone while driving by YOURSELF . . . they don't even get into the idea of using two phones while driving around a bunch of other people. (cnet)

Word of the Day: Planking:

planking (noun) /plain king/ - apparently it's a Facebook fad where you lie straight with your arms at your side, and lean your body against something, like a plank. Then you take a photo and post it online. (--Like on this page.) --It's hitting the news now because a guy in Australia died yesterday while he was planking on a seventh-story balcony, and accidentally fell off. --Example: I was going to go take a photo of myself planking but I'm not sure if it's really a trend, or this is just the media unnecessarily hyping something. I want to be cool, and while falling off a building is cool, following media trends definitely isn't.


A Guy Driving Drunk at Double the Legal Limit Crashed His Car Into a Guy Driving at Three Times the Legal Limit:

Last Friday, 59-year-old Kenneth Lockney of Uniontown, Ohio was driving drunk. His blood alcohol level was .151, which is almost twice the legal limit. --Suddenly, a car made a left turn in front of him, and Lockney crashed into it. The driver of that car was 33-year-old Como Redrick of Canton, Ohio . . . and his blood-alcohol level was .282, more than three times the legal limit. --That's right . . . a very drunk driver and an insanely drunk driver crashed into each other. --And somehow, neither guy was hurt in the crash. BUT . . . when the cops got there, they were both hit with DUIs. (CBS 8 - Cleveland)

Four People End Up In the Hospital Because of a Fight Over the Thickness of Ham Slices at a Deli:

For whatever reason, the deli counter at the supermarket always seems to make people crazy. I've never been to one and not seen at least one customer getting angry at the person working the counter, or vice versa --So this isn't a huge surprise. On Saturday in Livorno, Italy, a 50-year-old woman was at a grocery store's deli counter and started arguing over the thickness of ham slices. She wanted 'em thin and the worker was making them too thick. --The fight escalated and she ended up physically going after the deli worker. The store's owner joined the fight, and so did the woman's husband and two sons. In the end, FOUR PEOPLE were HOSPITALIZED for minor injuries. (AFP)

A Man Is Arrested After Getting $7,000 From His Employer . . . By Lying About His Wife Having Cancer:

It doesn't get much DIRTIER than this. --31-year-old Scott Wellington of Greenville, New Hampshire worked at a company called C&M Machine Products. He told his bosses there that his wife was seriously ill with cancer and that he couldn't afford the treatments. --So the company dug deep and generously gave Scott $7,000 to help out. --A few weeks later, Scott told them that his wife had died. They gave him some time off and sent a sympathy card to his house. --And that's how his wife found out about the scam. --See . . . she was alive, never had cancer, and never knew her husband was lying about her fake health problems to rip off his company. --And when she saw the sympathy card she flipped out . . . and called the company to let them know she was alive and well. They called the police. --Scott was arrested and charged with two counts of theft. (Nashua Telegraph)


In Iowa, an 11-Year-Old Boy Survives a Tornado By Hiding Inside the Dryer:

Last Wednesday afternoon, 11-year-old Austin Miller of Lenox, Iowa was home from school, watching TV, when he got a frantic call from his mom at work. --She told him tornados were coming and he needed to get to the laundry room downstairs to be safe. --Fortunately, Austin could tell that his mom was serious, so he headed to the laundry room. And when the tornados came, he took her safety advice one step further. --Austin actually climbed INTO THE DRYER to protect himself. --The tornado demolished the entire second floor of their house and debris flew everywhere. --Austin was completely unharmed as he rode out the tornado inside the dryer. --Two tornados ended up hitting Lenox on Wednesday. There was a lot of property damage . . . but fortunately there were no deaths or injuries reported. (Omaha World-Herald)


Stupid News Extras . . . Random Links to Additional Stories:

A woman in England was drowned in a pond by . . . a lawn gargoyle? She was filling a bird feeder while she was tipsy, slipped on some wet grass, and fell into a small lawn pond that was four feet by four feet, and only a foot-and-a-half deep. But she knocked a heavy tree-trunk gargoyle lawn ornament on top of her . . . and was pinned underwater. (Full Story)

Anyone want to help this guy figure out the lesson here? A 64-year-old in Ohio got hammered drunk at a bar . . . agreed to let a random woman there help him set up a bank account . . . and realized a week later that she'd withdrawn over $3,500 of his disability money. (Full Story)

Um . . . we're not sure what to think about this: A 62-year-old British woman on vacation in the Canary Islands was randomly beheaded by a crazy homeless Bulgarian guy in the middle of a crowded supermarket. (Full Story)

A Chihuahua peeing caused a bomb scare in New York? Here's what happened: A guy rode a public bus to court for his disorderly conduct hearing, and on the bus, someone's Chihuahua peed on his bag. So he left his bag in the bushes outside the courtroom to dry, while he went in for his hearing. And the police called in the bomb squad robots to deal with his unattended bag. (Full Story)

For some reason the Taliban is on Twitter . . . and they send tweets in English now. (Full Story)


#1.) "SNL" Did a Live-Action Version of "The Ambiguously Gay Duo" With Jon Hamm, Jimmy Fallon, Steve Carell, and Stephen Colbert:

"Saturday Night Live" featured a new episode of "The Ambiguously Gay Duo" over the weekend. That's the cartoon superhero-spoof with 'Ace' and 'Gary', where they drive around in their crotch-rocket-mobile and drop homoerotic puns. --But halfway through, it switched to a live-action version starring JON HAMM as Ace, JIMMY FALLON as Gary, and STEVE CARELL, STEPHEN COLBERT, and ED HELMS as the bad guys. Check it out on the NBC website. (--Search for "Live-Action Ambiguously Gay Duo." It switches at 3:10.)

#2.) A Fan Ran onto the Field at a Baseball Game, Scaled the Center Field Wall, Got Away From Security, and Climbed out of the Stadium:

You've seen plenty of videos of idiots running onto the field at sporting events. But have you ever seen one where the guy got AWAY? --Well, during a baseball game in Houston on Friday, a fan ran on the field, and got away from a security guard by scaling the center field fence. -Then when another security guard tried to get him in the stands, he scaled a terrace, jumped a wall, disappeared, and the crowd started cheering. The YouTube video is called "The Great Fan Escape." --According to the Astros, the guy made it the whole way out of the stadium . . . but he did eventually get arrested. (--He runs on the field at :13.)

#3.) The Crowd at the Players Championship in Florida Cheered Because A Turtle Jumped Off a Bridge Into a Water Hazard:

Halfway through his first round on Thursday, TIGER WOODS had to bow out of the Players Championship in Florida due to an injury. So the next most exciting thing that happened in golf this weekend was when a turtle decided to jump off a 5-foot bridge and into a water hazard on the 16th hole. And the crowd cheered after he did it. (--Search for "Turtle Takes a Dive on No. 16." It jumps at :11.)

#4.) Watch Alec Baldwin Punch John Krasinski in the Face:

You gotta check out the latest installment in New Era's ad campaign where ALEC BALDWIN and JOHN KRASINSKI talk trash about the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry. --It's funnier than the first commercial. This time Baldwin runs across town to punch Krasinski in the mouth, then gives him a wad of cash so he can 'get his face fixed.' --It's on YouTube, just search for "New Era Commercial - One Hitter." (--The video has the word "hell", but other than that it's pretty tame.)

Seven "Healthy" Foods That Are Making You Fat:

Food companies have mastered the art of making things SEEM healthy even if they aren't. For example, packages of gummy bears usually say they contain "real fruit juice." And even though they do have SOME, they're mostly made of corn syrup. --So here's a list from the magazine "Prevention" of seven "healthy" foods that might be making you fat.

#1.) Baked Potato Chips. They have less fat than regular potato chips, but they're still high in calories, low in nutrients, and low in fiber. A better alternative is popcorn, which has more fiber but 65% fewer calories. --And according to a recent study, adults who eat popcorn get as much as two-and-a-half times more whole grains than people who don't.

#2.) Light Ice Cream. First of all, it doesn't taste as good. And it can also have just as many calories. --For example, the average full-fat ice cream has about 140 calories per serving. But there's a light ice cream made by Haagen-Dazs with 220 calories per serving, called Dulce de Leche. (--In the U.S. it's pronounced DUHLsay duh LEHchay). --Dairy-free ice cream made with soy and coconut milk is better for you. And some people like it just as much as the regular stuff.

#3.) Zero-Calorie, Spray-On Margarine. Even though the bottle says zero calories, companies are allowed to SAY zero as long as it has less than five calories per serving. That means a bottle that says "zero" can actually have up to 900 calories.--A better choice is spray-on olive oil, which has a little fat, but it's still healthier. The monounsaturated fatty acids in it are good for your heart and lower your cancer risk.
#4.) Fat-Free Salad Dressing. To make it taste good they add sugar, which means a lot of calories. And you actually NEED a little bit of fat to help you absorb the vitamins in your salad. --So you should use regular, oil-based salad dressings, which have healthy fats instead of the saturated fat used in creamy dressings.

#5.) 100-Calorie Snack Packs. A recent study showed that people might actually eat MORE if the portions are presented in smaller packages. So, those 100-calorie packs are okay as long as you only eat one. If you eat three, it defeats the purpose. suggests eating almonds instead . . . which is a much LAMER option, but it's also much healthier.

#6.) Pretzels. Fat-free pretzels seem healthier than chips. But they're made with refined white flour, and they're stripped of all their vitamins and antioxidants. --Plus, they're loaded with carbs. Think of it this way: One 15-ounce bag of pretzels has the same number of carbs as 24 slices of white bread. A better snack is a whole grain cracker that's high in fiber and protein.

#7.) Vitamin Water. It does have vitamins. But one bottle can also have up to 200 calories. And if you add 200 calories a day to your diet without exercising, it can make you gain as much as 20 pounds a year. --Instead, look for a flavored water with zero calories . . . or stick with REGULAR water. (Prevention)


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