HOLLYWOOD DIRT OVERFLOW (April 13, 2011)

Ashley Tisdale, Bridget Moynahan, Keri Hilson and Kaley Cuoco Get Naked in the New Issue of "Allure":

ASHLEY TISDALE, BRIDGET MOYNAHAN, KERI HILSON and KALEY CUOCO get NAKED in the new issue of "Allure" magazine. --Ashley says she did it to let people know she's not a little Disney kid anymore . . . quote, "I'm 25, almost 26, but people think of me as much younger because I look young. --"Being in this shoot was me saying, 'I'm not just the young girl everybody thinks I am. I'm actually a woman.'" --But she still got her parents' permission before taking her clothes off. She says, quote, "I've always wanted to be sure my parents approve of what I do. --"Even with my tattoos, my mom went with me. The 'believe' tattoo is because my mom always told me to believe." --On the other hand, Kaley . . . (--Whom you would know from "The Big Bang Theory" and "Hop") . . . is going to let her nude picture be a surprise to her parents.

--She says, quote, "I have not told my family about this, and I'll tell you why: Until they see the photos, they won't understand. -"When I told my mom about the shoot, I left out the part about taking my clothes off. I was way more excited than I ever thought I would be. Which made me realize, I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I thought." (Allure)

David Arquette Doesn't Think Courteney Cox Is Having Sex With Her "Cougar Town" Co-Stars:

DAVID ARQUETTE did another one of those interviews on "The Howard Stern Show" that he probably shouldn't have. And Howard grilled him about COURTENEY COX'S alleged relationships with two of her "Cougar Town" co-stars. --For the record, the men in question here are BRIAN VAN HOLT . . . who plays Courteney's ex-husband . . . and JOSH HOPKINS, who plays her boyfriend. --Courteney and her daughter Coco recently took a trip to St. Bart's with Josh . . . then came home and went to Disney World with David. --Howard asked David, quote, "You swear she's not (effing) these guys?" . . . to which David replied, quote, "I swear, she's not!" --Asked about that vacation with Josh, David replied, quote, "We're married, but we're not together, so she can do whatever she wants." --After more prodding from Howard, David said, quote, "She hasn't (effed) anyone . . . I believe it 100%." -Howard replied, quote, "I think she was telling you that to keep you from falling off the wagon." (--David recently celebrated 100 days of sobriety, but he sounded kind of wrecked during this interview. Supposedly, he'd just gotten off a red-eye flight from Los Angeles, though.) --David also revealed that he tried to work a little of that old ARQUETTE MAGIC on Courteney during their family trip to Disney.
--He said, quote, "I tried to (eff) her at Disney World" . . . but he FAILED. Then he added, quote, "Aw, that's something I probably shouldn't have said."
--He said all they did was kiss. (--You can listen to the interview here. WARNING!!! There's a TON of unbleeped profanity in this clip.)

Nick Cannon Has Composed a Rap to His Unborn Twins:

The unborn twins of NICK CANNON and MARIAH CAREY already have a leg up financially. But they've been blessed in a way that money can't buy . . . --Because they will enter this world preceded by a Nick Cannon RAP composed especially for them. (!!!) --Nick took the SADE song "Pearls" and added a few brief rap interludes speaking directly to his future son and daughter. --He says, quote, "Gotta spit these pearls to my unborns / Poems 'til they get into this world. --"Show 'em how to fit into this world / Knowing unless you're gonna make a difference you ain't (crap) in this world. --"Excuse my language / Dang, guess I'm just anxious, man, to take away the suffering pain, hatred and anguish / This place is dangerous." --He also warns them of the HATRED they might face . . . quote, "They're gonna hate on your skin tone, hate your income, hate your homes and even hate on your mom / Hate on me for even making this song." --And he tells them, quote, "Don't be too religious / That is just business / I hate to say it, but it is what it is." --He also gives them some individual instruction . . . quote, "My daughter, be careful but my son go hard on the paint / That ace of spades don't chase / But only taste it in moderation."

Demi Lovato Opens Up About Her Eating Disorder:

DEMI LOVATO has finally revealed that an eating disorder was one of the main reasons she entered rehab last year for treatment of, quote, "emotional and physical issues." --In the new issue of "Seventeen" magazine, she says, quote, "I don't think there's going to be a day when I don't think about food or my body, but I'm living with it, and I wish I could tell young girls to find their safe place and stay with it." --But she says she's in a much better place now . . . quote, "I allow myself a lot of freedom and I'm very peaceful now." -That doesn't mean she's out of the woods, though. She says, quote, "There have been times when I definitely have been tempted to get rid of my dinner. I will deal with it for the rest of my life because it's a life-long disease." --Demi has advice for girls who are struggling with similar demons . . . quote, "It's very crucial that you get your feelings out, but don't ever inflict harm on your own body because your body is so sacred. --"If you are going through that dark period, go to your family and closest friends. Don't put yourself in danger."

Lawrence Taylor Is Just a Low-Risk Sex Offender:

A New York judge cut LAWRENCE TAYLOR a break yesterday, branding him only a "low-risk" sex offender. That means he didn't have to have a mugshot taken for the state's sex offender registry. --Taylor was arrested last year for patronizing a 16-year-old prostitute, although evidence suggests the girl told him she was 19. --He ended up pleading guilty to sexual misconduct and soliciting a prostitute, and was sentenced to six years of probation. He also has a 1:00 A.M. curfew. --Here's the thing, though: The crime occurred in New York . . . but LT lives in Florida, where they're apparently a little less forgiving of sex offenders. --Because they DID put his picture on their sex offender registry. (--You can see it here.)

Kim Kardashian Thinks Her "Cosmo" Cover in Turkey Could End Up Being a Good Thing:

KIM KARDASHIAN says she had no idea that "Cosmo" was going to put her on the cover of its Turkish edition in the same month that her Armenian brethren mark their own genocide at the hands of the Turkish people a century ago. --But at the same time, she thinks it could turn into a positive thing. --She says, quote, "If this brings attention to the genocides and kind of bridges the gap and brings awareness to the issue, then maybe this happened exactly the way it was supposed to." --Although she was reportedly upset with the magazine, she must have worked things out with them, because sources say she's doing another "Cosmo" shoot this week. (--Here's video of Kim's comments, which were made Monday night.)

Lindsay Lohan Might Play Victoria Gotti In John Travolta's John Gotti Movie:

LINDSAY LOHAN is in serious talks to play VICTORIA GOTTI in the movie, "Gotti: Three Generations". --JOHN TRAVOLTA is starring as JOHN GOTTI, the former head of the Gambino crime family who became known as the Teflon Don, because the feds had so much trouble making charges against him stick. (--They eventually did, though, and Gotti died in prison in 2002.) --JOE PESCI is playing Gotti's right-hand man, Angelo Ruggiero. And Travolta's own daughter, Ella Bleu, has an unspecified role. --Everyone seems to think casting Lindsay would be a good idea . . . including Victoria herself. She says, quote, "I think she's incredible. I think she's a great actress. I think she can do . . . any role, really." --Travolta adds, quote, "I've always thought she was gorgeous and talented and filled with a lot of depth. So, I think that whatever she would like to do would be great with me." (--Lindsay and Victoria met up yesterday at a press conference about the movie. Check them out side-by-side here. There's a serious resemblance.) (People)

Alyson Hannigan Has Joined the Cast of the "American Pie" Sequel:

ALYSON HANNIGAN has officially signed on for the latest "American Pie" sequel, "American Reunion". As the title implies, this one reunites the original cast. Or at least that's the plan. --Last we heard, JASON BIGGS, SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT and EUGENE LEVY had all signed on. --Deals are also in the works with Tara Reid, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Chris Klein, Mena Suvari and Stifler's Mom herself, Jennifer Coolidge. (--It's not clear if any of them have officially signed on yet, or if any other cast members . . . like Eddie Kaye Thomas, Shannon Elizabeth or Natasha Lyonne . . . are returning.)

Tom Cruise Is Working with Axl Rose's Voice Coach for "Rock of Ages":

TOM CRUISE plays a rock star named Stacee Jaxx in the movie version of the Broadway musical "Rock of Ages". And to prepare for the role, he's been working with AXL ROSE'S voice coach. --Director Adam Shankman says, quote, "He's been studying with Axl Rose's voice teacher, like, five hours a day. The prognosis is more than excellent. The voice lesson where he opened up and suddenly let loose . . . was really great."

"American Idol" Says They Didn't Force a Girl to Sit in the Back Row of the Studio Because She Was "Heavy":

"American Idol" is denying the accusations made by 19-year-old Ashley Kauffman, who claimed staffers made her sit in the back row last Thursday . . . because she was, quote, "just too big, too heavy to be in front" with her skinny friends. --Instead, "Idol" is insinuating that she made the whole thing up. --A higher-up says, quote, "Our audience coordinator explained they had six great seats on the floor . . . however, the seats were in two groups of three." --That coordinator said Ashley and her five friends agreed to be split up, with three of them sitting FOUR rows behind the other three. So contrary to what Ashley said, she was NOT sent to the back row of the studio. --In fact, she had GREAT seats. The "Idol" higher-up says that Ashley was, quote, "directly in camera shot, in some of the best seats in the house. --"We always strive to assure that every audience member has the best experience possible, and these allegations are simply untrue."

Ad Time During the Series Finale of "Oprah" Costs $1 Million:

A lot of female, non-sports fans watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. And there's a possibility that a lot of male, non-Oprah fans will tune into the finale of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" for the same reason. --That's because advertisers
are being charged $1 million for a 30-second spot during the "Oprah" season finale on May 25th. And some spots could end up going for even MORE, depending on where they fall within the show. --Naturally, when companies are ponying up that kind of coin, it's smart to deliver something awesome . . . or at least something a little special. (--We haven't heard that anyone is planning anything wild yet, but it's hard to believe a company like Lysol would drop $1 million just to air one of their typical ads . . .)
(--For $1 million, I'd like to see a "hero" bottle of Lysol in an epic swordfight against a massive army of savage bacterial orcs . . . and killing 99.9% of them!!!) --$1 million is only one-third of the $3 million per spot that the last Super Bowl commanded, but it's pretty unprecedented for daytime TV . . . and it ranks high among some of the biggest primetime TV finales.

--Here's how Oprah's rates compare to some of those other finales:

--The "Friends" finale in 2004 . . . $2 million per spot.

--The "Seinfeld" finale in 1998 . . . $1.42 million per spot.

--The "Everybody Loves Raymond" finale in 2005 . . . $1.22 million per spot.

--The "Oprah" finale in 2011 . . . $1 million per spot.

--The "Lost" finale in 2010 . . . $900,0000 per spot.

--The "X-Files" finale in 2002 . . . $679,7000 per spot.

--The "24" finale in 2010 . . . $650,000 per spot.

--The "Cheers" finale in 1993 . . . $650,000 per spot.

--The "Ally McBeal" finale in 2002 . . . $582,600 per spot.

(--The numbers weren't available for the GIGANTIC "Moesha" finale in 2001 . . . but I wouldn't be surprised if they had a $99.99 buy one, get one free special.)

Katie Couric Doesn't Know What the Hell She's Doing Yet:

The entertainment media has it all figured out: according to them KATIE COURIC is going to walk away from the "CBS Evening News" when her contract is up in June . . . and launch a new daytime talk show with MATT LAUER, who's going to leave the "Today" show. --Of course, all of that is still baseless speculation for now. In fact, Katie hasn't even figured it out for herself yet. --BARBARA WALTERS tried to get her to "confirm" that she's leaving the
anchor's seat on "The View" yesterday, but Katie wasn't having it. --She said, quote, "I haven't made a decision. I respect you wanting to ask the question and make news on 'The View', but I'm not in a position to discuss it at this time." -She added, quote, "I'm looking at all sorts of opportunities." (--Here's video.) (--Aside from Barbara's badgering, ELISABETH HASSELBECK asked Katie if she felt her ratings sucked because she was a woman in a "man's world" . . .) (--And WHOOPI GOLDBERG sat silently in a clever outfit, which combined a black turtleneck, blue jeans, white sneakers and a gray Snuggie.)

The NCAA Championship Game Came In Fourth In the Ratings:

Just over 20 million people watched UConn take down Butler to win last week's "NCAA Basketball Championship" game. (--The final score was 53-41.) --That was good enough to put the NCAA Championship game at 4th place in the ratings, behind the two "American Idol" episodes and the "Dancing with the Stars" performance show.

Wednesday TV Reminders: (--Check your local listings.)

--"American Idol" [Performance Show] . . . 8:00 to 9:00 P.M. on Fox. (--The remaining eight finalists perform songs from the movies. Haley Reinhart and Lauren Alaina are the only female contestants left amongst the six men.)

--"Survivor: Redemption Island" . . . 8:00 to 9:00 P.M. on CBS. (--Tonight's episode is titled "The Buddy System", with a surprise at tribal council that sends two players to Redemption Island.)

--"Shedding For the Wedding" [1st Season Finale] . . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on the CW.

--"Happy Endings" [SERIES Premiere] . . . 9:30 to 10:00 P.M. on ABC. (--Elisha Cuthbert stars in this new comedy about a seemingly perfect couple who break up, and the complications that arise amongst their friends as a result of that.)

--"Breaking In" . . . 9:30 to 10:00 P.M. on Fox. (--Alyssa Milano guest stars as Christian Slater's ex-wife.)

--"The Real World: Las Vegas" . . . 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on MTV.

Justin Bieber Is Angry That the Paparazzi Won't Let Him "Walk Where Jesus Did" Peacefully:

JUSTIN BIEBER is in Israel for a concert that's happening in Tel Aviv tomorrow. --He was hoping to do a little exploring on his down-time . . . and to, quote, "walk where JESUS did" . . . but the aggressive paparazzi has kept him stuck in his hotel room. --Justin complained about it on Twitter, saying, quote, "You would think paparazzi would have some respect in holy places. All I wanted was the chance to walk where Jesus did here in Israel. --"They should be ashamed of themselves. Take pictures of me eating but not in a place of prayer, ridiculous. --"People wait their whole lives for opportunities like this, why would they want to take that experience away from someone? Staying in the hotel for the rest of the week, u happy?" (--No peace in Israel? Absurd!) --He later added, quote, "It's not the fans, and some of the paps were nice enough to leave. But some people just don't have respect . . . [I've] been super frustrated and just needed some time to vent and chill." --"I want to see this country and all the places I've dreamed of . . . and whether it's the paps or being pulled into politics, it's been frustrating." --By the way, Justin was supposed to meet with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu . . . (???) . . . but Netanyahu reportedly canceled, because Justin "refused to meet with kids who survived a recent rocket attack in Gaza." --Justin's people say it was nothing against the kids, Justin just couldn't fit that particular event into his schedule.

Rebecca Black's "Friday" Has Surpassed 100 Million Views:

Reuters reports that REBECCA BLACK'S notorious "Friday" video has been viewed over 100 MILLION times on YouTube. (--As of last night, the official video had just over 99 million views.) --And if you include "Friday" covers, re-mixes, spoofs, and stuff like that . . . it's actually been seen more than 200 MILLION times. --By comparison, LADY GAGA'S
"Born This Way" . . . again, if you include the fan videos . . . has been watched 180 million times, while JUSTIN BIEBER'S
"Pray" has only racked up 65 million views.

Coldplay Fans Are Not "Likely to Have Sex on a First Date":

If you dig COLDPLAY, you probably prefer no spontaneity in your music. And according to a poll conducted by a dating website, you may not like any spontaneity in your love life either. --Tastebuds.fm is a new service that aims to hook people up based on their taste in music. --And they asked 400 users how far they'd be willing to go on a first date. The three options were: "I'd only meet up for a chat" . . . "Perhaps a kiss" . . . and "All the way, if there was chemistry." --They combined the results with the voters' taste in music, and they found that Coldplay fans were "the least likely to have sex on a first date." They were followed by fans of Adele, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Kings of Leon. --On the flip-side, NIRVANA fans were MOST likely to go all the way on a first date. --After Nirvana on the "all the way" side, were fans of Metallica, Linkin Park, Kanye West, Gorillaz and Daft Punk. (--You can check out a simple graph of the results, here.)

Steven Tyler Is Sharing Some Crazy Stories in an Upcoming Memoir:

AEROSMITH singer and "American Idol" judge STEVEN TYLER has a memoir coming out on May 3rd. And the book . . . titled "Does the Noise in My Head Bother You? A Rock 'n' Roll Memoir" . . . sounds like it should be pretty wild. --Steven says, quote, "I've been mythicized, Mick-icized, eulogized and fooligized, I've been Cole-Porter'd and farmer's-daughter'd, I've been Led Zepp'd and 12-stepped. --"I'm a rhyming fool and so cool that me, Fritz the Cat, and Mohair Sam are the baddest cats that am. --"I have so many outrageous stories, too many, and I'm gonna tell 'em all. All the unexpurgated, brain-jangling tales of debauchery, sex and drugs, transcendence and chemical dependence you will ever want to hear."

Chris Brown Is Collaborating with . . . Joe Jonas:

CHRIS BROWN has recorded some kind of collaboration with JOE JONAS. It's a weird pairing, but it could be good for both of them. It could improve Chris' image, while making Joe a little more bad-ass. Or maybe the track will just be terrible. --There are no details on the song yet. (--Here's a shot of Joe and Chris with producer Hit-Boy, who of course is in the middle.)

Taylor Swift Still Has *No* Interest in Posing Naked . . . Also, She's Friends with Fans Who Frequent Her Meet & Greets:

TAYLOR SWIFT has said several times that she is NOT interested in posing naked for anyone. And yet, some people think . . . or hope . . . she might change her mind. Because they keep asking her about it! --Here's what she told Britain's "The Telegraph", quote, "I like wearing pretty dresses and I like trying out new styles, but I don't feel comfortable taking my clothes off. --"I wouldn't wear tiny amounts of clothing in my real life, so I don't think it's necessary to wear that stuff in photo shoots." (--Although there IS evidence she'll rock a bikini here and there.) --One more thing about Taylor . . . You may recall how devoted she is to meeting her fans and doing marathon Meet & Greets. A good example of that was her 14 1/2 hour session at last summer's CMA Fest. --But Taylor is NOT too big to forget the fans who keep coming back. She explains, quote, "I mean, I've been on tour since I was 16, and I always do meet-and-greets before and after shows, so you kind of build these friendships with people. -"I have girls come up to me and tell me exactly what's going on in their love lives. They always come out with these bold confessions, like, 'I'm so glad I'm at your concert tonight. My boyfriend just left me.'"

WEDNESDAY'S SHOWBIZ EXTRAS

Showbiz Extras . . . Random Links to Additional Bonus Stories:

DONALD TRUMP may brag about being worth BILLIONS of dollars . . . but apparently, he doesn't give much money to charity. (Full Story)

There are rumors going around that SCARLETT JOHANSSON is pregnant with SEAN PENN'S baby. She's not. (Full Story)

JUSTIN BIEBER, the Old Spice Guy, Angry Birds, Antoine "The Bed Intruder Song Guy" Dodson and FunnyOrDie.com are among the nominees for this year's Webby Awards. (Full Story)

CHRISTOPHER MELONI from "Law & Order: SVU" has filmed a PSA supporting gay marriage rights. (Full Story)

Yesterday on "Good Morning America", JENN STERGER said she's never even met BRETT FAVRE. (Full Story)

CHARLIE SHEEN'S live show hit Boston last night. People were walking out early and there was no standing ovation. (Full Story) A local TV station spoke to disappointed fans on their way out of the theater. (Full Story)

The "National Enquirer" conducted an interview with the drunk driver who killed KIRSTIE ALLEY'S mother in 1981. (Full Story)

PETER JACKSON is shooting the "Hobbit" movies at 48 frames per second, as opposed to the standard 24 frames per second. This will apparently make the movies look a little less like movies, and a little more like reality. (Full Story)

KELSEY GRAMMER is developing a reality show based on the website ThatsNotOkayNY.com. (Full Story)

Teri Hatcher, Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross and Eva Longoria have signed new deals with "Desperate Housewives". They're now making $325,000 per episode, up from $275,000. With additional compensation and bonuses, they could each make $18 million over two years. (Full Story)

NAZZY'S RANDOM STUFF

Women Are Getting Closer and Closer To Admitting That a Guy's Money Is His Most Important Quality:

For years and years there have been surveys asking women to name the most important quality they look for in a guy. And every time, "sense of humor" wins. Which, of course, is just a blatant lie. --Under that logic, you know who has the best sense of humor in the world? Super rich guys. --WELL . . . it seems that women are getting closer and closer to admitting that, yeah, it's great if you're funny, but they're willing to look past a horrible personality if you've got money. --They won't FULLY admit it yet. But a new survey puts them closer than ever. Researchers in Cologne, Germany found that women now say the number one quality a guy has to have is . . . he can't be POORER than her. --That's playing the semantics game, but the message is clear. More and more women are working and making better money than ever before. So while they don't necessarily NEED a rich guy, they don't want to support a poor guy. --The most popular answer women gave for WHY that's the key quality? They said that too much of a difference in incomes leads to the most stress and confrontation in a relationship. (Daily Mail)

13% of Office Workers Think the Fastest Way To Get Their Computer Replaced Is . . . To Smash It:

Good to see that even in today's awful work climate, there are plenty of office workers who are still firmly devoted to beating the system. Literally. --According to a new survey, 13% of office workers say that if they really wanted their company to replace their old computer with a new one, they think the quickest way to make it happen would be . . . SMASHING their computer. --7% of people would try buying parts and upgrading their computer themselves. --4% would put in a request saying they needed a computer to be set up for a new co-worker, and hope no one realized it wasn't true. --And 20% said they'd take their computer to a store and trade it in for a new one . . . THEN tell their boss or the I.T. department about it. --Added up, that means almost HALF of workers think that the best way to get a new computer at work is by taking care of things on their own. --Only 37% of people said they'd go about things by the book . . . filing a request with their manager demonstrating why they need a new machine and how much it would improve their work. (Mozy)

Here's the Politically-Correct, Religion-Free Way To Say "Easter Eggs":

If you're like me, you constantly worry about offending people. And one of the best ways to offend everyone is to use religious terms that USED to be harmless. It's why I call a "Christmas tree" a "Wintertime Arboreal Present Magnet." --Here's the new one for Easter. Instead of Easter Eggs, the politically-correct, religion-free phrase is . . . "SPRING SPHERES." -We got that from an unnamed elementary school in the Seattle area. A 16-year-old girl named Jessica says she was volunteering at the school and was told that the administration wants people to use that term. (My Northwest)

A New Device Lets You Dial a Phone Number . . . With Your Mind:

We've got a story here about a new invention that lets you dial a phone . . . just by THINKING of the phone number. And I don't know what it says about me that my first reaction was: This means the government is close to being able to read our minds. --This device is actually a huge breakthrough for severely disabled people. The researchers at the University of California, San Diego say one day this brain-monitoring technology could make EVERYTHING in their lives mind-controlled. --The machine reads brainwaves and was 100% accurate with people who had only a short amount of training. It's still in the early prototype stages though, so it could be a while until it really becomes available. (MIT Technology Review)

China is Cracking Down On TV Shows That Feature Time Travel . . . Because It's Such an Uncreative Plot Device:

Apparently, when you're a communist country, you don't have to stand for a bunch of derivative, uncreative garbage on TV. (--So don't expect to see "The Real Housewives of Qingdao" anytime soon.) --In China, the State Administration for Radio, Film, and Television has issued a WARNING to the people making TV dramas . . . and told them to STOP writing plots about TIME TRAVEL. --The reason? Those plots are generic, lazy, and, quote, "lack positive thoughts and meanings." --They haven't issued an all-out ban yet . . . and they aren't throwing TV writers and producers into jail for it or anything . . . but based on what we know about communist countries "suggesting" things, the time travel plots will stop. (New York Times)

BP Gave States Along the Gulf Coast $754 Million Because of the Spill . . . And They Spent It On Everything From Pickup Trucks To Doobie Brothers Concerts:

BP has paid more than $754 MILLION to state and city governments in the Gulf Coast region because of the oil spill. The money came with almost no strings attached . . . just that it had to be loosely tied to recovering from the spill. --And the governments that got the money REALLY took that whole "loosely tied to the recovery" thing seriously. Here are some of the things that they've purchased . . . --Biloxi, Mississippi bought 14 SUVs and pickup trucks, two boats, two dump trucks, and a backhoe loader. --A $35,000 2011 Chevy Tahoe went to the mayor of Biloxi so he could get to, quote, "countless meetings" about the oil spill. --Ocean Spring, Mississippi bought Tasers for all of their reserve police officers . . . it's not clear how that was related to the spill. --In one Florida county, which was kept anonymous, $14,000 went to the county commissioner's girlfriend so she could open up a PR firm to spread good news about the area. --The head of the Lafourche, Louisiana parish bought herself a top-of-the-line iPad because, quote, "I must be in contact at all times." Her spokesman got a $3,165 Dell computer because work on the spill wore out his one-year-old computer. --Florida spent $560,000 on three concerts . . . Kenny Loggins, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and the Doobie Brothers. They played on Okaloosa Island to show that the spill hadn't ruined tourism in the area. Or whatever. Let's hear "China Grove"! (Associated Press)

A Couple Thought They Won a $4.3 Million Lottery Jackpot . . . But it Turned Out the Newspaper Printed the Wrong Winning Numbers:

Keep on screwing up, newspapers. You're already on life support . . . if you start alienating the last few people who read you, someone's finally gonna pull your plug. -Jim and Dorothy Sprague of Pueblo, Colorado are loyal subscribers to the "Pueblo Chieftain" newspaper. On Sunday, they checked the paper's Colorado Lottery numbers. --And it was a miracle . . . they won $4.3 MILLION. --Or so they thought. Turns out the "Chieftain" made a MISTAKE in the lottery numbers they printed, and Jim and Dorothy ACTUALLY didn't win a thing. --Jim says, quote, "[It was] a case of going from rags to riches and back to rags again . . . it's a good thing that I didn't talk to too many people." --On Monday, the "Chieftain" posted a correction with the actual numbers and blamed the mistake on, quote, "misinformation and an oversight." (NBC 5 - Colorado Springs)

Bubble Wrap, Jet Ski, Dumpster, and Lava Lamp Are All Actually Brand Names, Not Generic Terms:

You'd think companies would be happy when their brand becomes so huge, they become the generic term for the product. Like saying "Xerox" instead of photocopy or "Kleenex" instead of tissue. --But apparently, they HATE it because they think it cheapens their brand. And as a tool of the system, I want to do whatever it takes to please all corporate overlords. Here's a list of things that we had NO IDEA were actually brand names.

#1.) Bubble Wrap. Instead, say, "I love when I get a package wrapped in inflatable cushioning that I can pop and annoy my co-workers."

#2.) Dumpster. Instead, say, "Man, if I get fired, I'd hate to wind up sleeping in a front-loaded waste container."

#3.) Lava Lamp. Instead, say, "Is 40 years old too old to have a van decked out with a black light, shag carpeting, and a liquid motion lamp?"

#4.)
Hacky Sack. Instead, say, "I want to go to a bunch of music festivals this summer and kick around a footbag with the hippies."

#5.) Jet Ski. Instead, say, "I don't care if they've ruined the water for manatees, I just love riding on my stand-up personal watercraft."

#6.) Super Glue. Instead, say, "I need to reattach my fingernails. Does anyone have some cyanoacrylate adhesive?" (Buzzfeed)

(--Check out their full list of 32 products, which includes Taser, Popsicle, Styrofoam, Super Heroes, Onesies, Matchbox cars, and more.)

The World Record For Blindfolded Water Skiing Has Been Set . . . By a Blind Guy?

So, apparently there's a world record for water skiing blindfolded. It was 20 miles. But that record was just SHATTERED this week off the coast of Wales . . . even though something about this feels a little bit unfair. --45-year-old Steve Thiele of Audley, Staffordshire, England, water skied blindfolded for 23.85 miles over the weekend. And . . . he's blind. --Yeah, he still wore the blindfold . . . but something there feels like it's not quite in sync with the spirit of the record. (Daily Mirror)

Police are Called To Help a Man Who Punched Himself In the Face . . . Because He was Worried About the Government Shutdown:

Apparently some people took the potential government shutdown a LOT harder than others. On Friday night, less than two hours before Congress approved a budget and avoided the shutdown, the police in Kitsap County, Washington got a call. --They reported to a scene where a man had been arguing with his girlfriend . . . then PUNCHED HIMSELF in the FACE. And, he told them, he hit himself because, quote, "he was freaking out over the government shutdown." --He wasn't placed under arrest . . . the police just let him walk around and cool down. And by the time he got back from his walk, the shutdown was avoided. (Kitsap Sun)

A College Professor Has Been Suspended For Having Strippers Give Lap Dances For Extra Credit:

A few weeks ago at La Salle University in Philadelphia, a business school professor held a symposium after class. It was about the topic of, quote, "the application of Platonic and Hegelian ethics to business." --Naturally, that involved him hiring a bunch of strippers to give lap dances to students . . . and himself. --Seriously. The professor's name is Jack Rappaport, and he wanted strippers to illustrate . . . well, who knows? Something about business and ethics. And I'm sure something about supply and demand was thrown in too. --And the students who attended the symposium got EXTRA CREDIT for attending. That's right. Extra credit for lap dances. --La Salle has suspended Rappaport while they investigate what went down. --This story reminds us of that incident just over a month ago, when a human sexuality professor at Northwestern University got in trouble for having a woman demonstrate a love toy during an after-class seminar. --That professor wasn't suspended, but he did end up apologizing and said he would never do it again. (Gawker)

MEATBALL CRIMINALS

A Man Shoots His Neighbor's Dog With a BB Gun For Pooping In His Yard . . . The Neighbor Says That's Impossible, The Dog Just Pooped In Her House:

Over the weekend, 64-year-old Robert Hohenberger of Clayton County, Georgia was arrested after he admitted to shooting his neighbor's Chihuahua in the BUTT with a BB gun. He says he did it because the dog pooped in his yard. --That's bad and all, but we're not into the story because of that. No, we're into the story because of what the dog's owner told the police. --Her name is Leticia Mendoza. And she told the police it was impossible that her dog pooped in Robert's yard because he'd just pooped . . . IN HER HOUSE. Where apparently, he poops regularly. --Robert was charged with animal cruelty. (ABC 2 - Atlanta)

RANDOM NEWS EXTRAS

For Quick Links to Outside Sources, Here are Today's Stupid News Extras:

A recent study found that men only decide to clean when things smell. 30% say if it wasn't for spring cleaning, they'd probably never clean. (Full Story)

Some ospreys built a nest on top of a construction crane in Tampa, but the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service says the owner isn't allowed to move it until the birds leave. And it's costing his business $3,000 a day because he can't use the crane. (Full Story)

Website of the Day: 'Cute Roulette.' It's similar to Chat Roulette, but instead of strange dudes showing their junk, it's random video clips of cute baby animals. (Full Story)

Stupid Criminals One: A couple broke into a Pennsylvania home, stole tools, then tried to sell them to a guy at an auto shop. But he turned out to be the same guy they'd just robbed. He recognized his toolbox, went home to check on his stuff, and THAT'S how he found out he'd been robbed. The robbers were arrested. (Full Story)

Stupid Criminals Two: A guy in Georgia robbed two stores by wrapping a phone cord around a garage door opener and claiming it was a bomb. He's in custody. (Full Story)

Thousands of cases of expired food were found in the Boston school cafeteria system . . . so they resolved the controversy by donating it to local prisons. (Full Story)

Iceland's penis museum has received its first human penis: A 95-year-old guy died and left his junk to the museum. Several other people have "pledged their penises" to the museum, but this guy's the first to get there. (Full Story)

There's controversy in Florida, because people were paying homeless guys $50 to have chicks beat them on camera for a fetish website called shefights.net. (Full Story)

Here are maps that show which areas would be affected if the Japanese nuclear crisis was happening near New York, LA, or Chicago. (Full Story)

NAZZY'S VIDEOS OF THE DAY

#1.) A Jumbo Jet Clipped a Smaller Plane on the Runway at JFK Airport and Spun It Almost 90 Degrees:

An Air France Airbus A380 was taxiing on the runway at JFK Airport in New York on Monday night, and clipped a much smaller Comair jet. --The Airbus is the largest commercial passenger jet in the world, and when its left wing caught the tail of the Comair plane, it spun the entire plane almost 90 degrees in less than two seconds. --Luckily, none of the 62 passengers on board the smaller jet were hurt. But even though the video doesn't have sound, you can tell the people on the plane must have felt a pretty big jolt. (--Search for "Air France A380 Clips Comair CRJ-700.")

#2.) Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore Made PSAs About Sex Trafficking . . . And Decided to Make Them Funny?

ASHTON KUTCHER and DEMI MOORE got a bunch of their celebrity friends to star in a series of PSAs about sex trafficking. And naturally, they decided to make them FUNNY. (???) Which is a weird angle, considering how serious the subject matter is. --One has JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE shaving with a chainsaw, and another one has SEAN PENN using an iron to make a grilled cheese sandwich. --A third one has JAMIE FOXX opening a beer bottle with his remote control, and they all use the tagline, "Are You a Real Man?" You can see all three on Gawker.com. (--Search for "Ashton Kutcher's Anti-Slavery PSAs.")

#3.) New Footage of the Tsunami In Japan Shows Villagers Trying to Flee the Wave on Foot:

A lot of the videos of the tsunami that hit Japan a month ago have been shocking, but there's a new one on YouTube that's even crazier because it actually shows villagers in Iwaki City screaming while they watch people try to outrun it ON FOOT. --It looks like an elderly woman and the woman with her didn't make it: It shows them at the bottom on the hill when the wave gets there, then everyone starts screaming, and the camera moves away. When the camera moves back, they're gone. --The entire second half of the one-minute video is shaky chaos, because the guy with the camera is running for his life. What's amazing is how fast the area below the hill is completely inundated with deep water, cars, and buses. (--Search for "Terrifying New Tsunami Video from Iwaki City." The last time you see the two women is at :27. (--WARNING: While the video isn't technically graphic, it shows a natural disaster sweeping away human beings, and is therefore disturbing.)

Four Weird Tricks That Make You Eat Less:

If you want to eat lose weight but have absolutely no will power, here are four tricks that will make you eat less.

#1.) Turn on Relaxing Music. Soft music naturally relaxes you and lowers your stress level, which makes you chew slower than if you were listening to, say, death metal. And when you eat slower, you start feeling full faster.

#2.) Turn on More Lights. Dim lighting might create a more romantic atmosphere, but another reason restaurants keep the lights down is because it lowers your inhibitions and makes you eat more.

#3.) Light a Vanilla-Scented Candle. The scent of vanilla makes you less likely to want dessert. In fact, one group of volunteers lost an average of four-and-a-half pounds each by wearing vanilla-scented patches.

#4.) Paint Your Dining Room Blue. This is weird, but researchers have found that people eat 33% less if they're sitting in a blue room. --It's because when light bounces off of the walls, it creates a blue tint, which makes the food look less appetizing. --The colors red, orange, and yellow have the opposite effect, which is why so many fast-food places use those colors inside. (Reader's Digest)