HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

JENNIFER GARNER IS THE BEST CELEBRITY MOM . . . COURTNEY LOVE IS THE WORST:

Every year as Mother's Day approaches, at least one website will do a meaningless, celebrity-mom-related poll to get a little extra attention. Here are the results from a poll by AOL's ParentDish.com site . . .

--Who is the best celebrity mom?

Jennifer Garner, 37%
Reese Witherspoon, 26%
Michelle Obama, 26%
Gwen Stefani, 6%
Angelina Jolie, 4%

--Who is the worst celebrity mom?

Courtney Love, 32%

Dina Lohan, 32%

Britney Spears, 27%

Sarah Palin, 6%

Kate Moss, 3%

--Which celebrity would you most feel comfortable leaving your kids with?

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi, 31%

Jennifer Aniston, 22%

Rachael Ray, 20%

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, 18%

Oprah Winfrey, 9%

--Which TV mom is most like your real life mom?

Clair Huxtable, "The Cosby Show", 39%

Roseanne, "Roseanne", 27%

Marge Simpson, "The Simpsons", 19%
Bree Van DeKamp, "Desperate Housewives", 8%
Peg Bundy, "Married with Children", 7%

--Who is the best celebrity stepmom?
Jada Pinkett Smith, 70%

Katie Holmes, 16%

Justine Simmons, 7% (--She's the second wife of Run-DMC's Reverend Run.)

Gisele Bundchen, 4%

Brooke Sheen, 3% (--Charlie Sheen's new wife.)

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THE AVERAGE STAY-AT-HOME MOM IS WORTH . . . $122,732:

Every year, just in time for Mother's Day, Salary.com releases its annual Mom Salary Survey . . . which determines how much the average mother would make if she actually got paid for the ten "mom job functions" she performs most often:

--Laundry Machine Operator
--Janitor
--Van Driver
--Housekeeper

--Computer Operator

--Cook

--Day Care Center Teacher

--Facilities Manager

--Psychologist

--Chief Executive Officer

Anyway, this year, the average STAY-AT-HOME MOM is worth $122,732. That's up 5% from last year. And the average WORKING MOM is worth an additional $76,184 . . . which is up 11% from last year . . . for a grand total of $198,916. (Yahoo Finance)

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HERE ARE SIX GIFTS YOU SHOULDN'T GIVE YOUR MOM THIS MOTHER'S DAY:

Your mom will probably tell you she's happy with whatever you choose to give her this Sunday for Mother's Day. But . . . bless her heart . . . she's lying. --With that in mind, here are six BAD GIFTS you definitely should NOT give your mom this Mother's Day.

#1.) A workout DVD: This gift says, "Hey mom, I love you . . . but, man, have you packed on the pounds!" Is that really what you want to say to your mother on her special day . . . after all she's done for you? I didn't think so.

#2.) Sessions with a personal trainer: See above for explanation.

#3.) A new apron: Yeah, and while you're at it, why don't you just make her go bake a pie for you and all your dirty friends too? Come on . . . you know better than this.

#4.) A Snuggie: Seriously? You're going to give your mother a Snuggie, the blanket with sleeves? What's wrong with you? (--If you still don't know what a Snuggie is, feast your eyes on this nonsense here:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqHSIiAXdSU

#5.) Clothes: Do you have any idea what size your mom wears? I didn't think so

. #6.) Nothing: I'm just going to come out and say it. If you don't give your mom something for Mother's Day . . . you're not very nice! (Yahoo Shine)

SWINE FLU NEWS

PARENTS ARE HOLDING PARTIES TO PURPOSELY INFECT THEIR KIDS . . . WITH SWINE FLU:

Maybe I'm the only one, but I have no clue what I'm supposed to think . . . about SWINE FLU.

Here's why . . . Last week, the world went completely ape-nuts . . . and started treating swine flu like it was the Black Plague. Then we learned that this strain of swine flu isn't actually all that dangerous, and now parents have started holding swine flu parties . . . yes, SWINE FLU PARTIES . . . to purposely infect their kids.

The logic is that if a kid gets this milder strain of swine flu, it'll build up their immunity against the disease . . . and they'll be in better shape to withstand a nastier strain of the illness if one emerges in the fall.

But now health officials are saying that holding swine flu parties is a BAD idea. According to the acting head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, "This is a new, emerging infection, and we're learning more about it each day. But how an individual person will be impacted by the infection is not something that we know.

"It's a big mistake putting individuals and children at risk, and the CDC does not recommend that people follow that course." (Google News)

Like I said, I'm clueless about this swine flu thing. My only advice would be to ignore the media. Why? Because they have a vested interest in getting you to freak out.

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THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS BANNED HANDSHAKES AT GRADUATION . . . TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF SWINE FLU:

Does anyone else get the feeling that part of the reason we're all so worried about SWINE FLU . . . is because the word "swine" makes the virus sound much worse than it actually is?

Here's what I mean . . . Last week, Slippery Rock University in Pennsylvania held a separate graduation ceremony for a group of students who had just spent a month in Mexico . . . for fear of spreading SWINE FLU. At the time, it seemed like the responsible thing to do . . . at least to some people . . . just in case swine flu actually was as bad as we were told. Then we learned that swine flu is no worse than the regular flu.

But this week, the University of Illinois at Chicago banned HANDSHAKES from its Honors College graduation ceremony . . . which took place on Wednesday . . . because they, too, were worried about swine flu. (CBS 2 News - Chicago)

So what's my point? Nobody would ban handshakes because of the regular flu . . . which is just as dangerous and, actually, more widespread. But, suddenly, we've got this swine flu virus floating around . . . and people are freaking out. Given what we know about swine flu, the only explanation I can come up with for this continued overreaction . . . is that the word "swine" grosses people out and makes them think swine flu is more dangerous than it actually is? YES!

GETTING IN THE MOOD

FIVE TIPS TO SET THE MOOD:

#1.) LIGHTS AND MUSIC. Everyone looks better . . . and feels less self-conscious . . . with romantic lighting. Turn off any fluorescent bulbs and light some candles to create soft mood lighting. Keep the music low enough so you can talk to your date.

--If you're going out, choose a place with low lighting, good food, instrumental or jazz music and a relatively quiet atmosphere conducive to conversation.

#2.) SCENT. Scent plays an important role in attraction, but subtlety is key. You want your date to catch a whiff of something good when he or she gets close, not smell you from across the room.

#3.) FOODS. Stick to food that smells good, looks good and won't spill or create a mess. A simple cheese, fruit and cracker plate alongside a good bottle of wine is all you need for a romantic snack.

#4.) HOME. If you plan to end up at your place after your date, make sure it looks and smells clean. Flowers and aromatic candles are good. Your place doesn't have to be spotless, but at the very least, it should be free of clutter and vacuumed.

#5.) TOUCH. Body language does A LOT to set the mood for an evening . . . so make lots of eye contact and hold hands while you're walking.

And don't forget the power of a compliment. If you love your date's smile or sense of humor, don't be afraid to tell them. (Happen Magazine)

***VIDEOS OF THE DAY*** (5/7/09)

CHECK OUT OLD KIRK MEETING NEW KIRK!!!

One of the greatest things in the history of HISTORY happened recently . . . when Old Kirk . . . WILLIAM SHATNER . . . met NEW KIRK . . . CHRIS PINE. We really don't know what they said to each other, but it had to have been AWESOME. Check out a brief video clip of this momentous occasion . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO_Qovoysu8

(--I have a couple questions: Can the Kirk of 40 years ago meet the Kirk of today without some kind of rift in the space-time continuum??? Is the universe unraveling as we speak because of this??? I'm asking for my imaginary girlfriend.)

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SAVE THE RAINFOREST

Daniel Craig, Pelé, Robin Williams, Harrison Ford, the Dalai Lama, Kermit The Frog . . . and a pretty real-looking CGI frog . . . all star in this PSA for Prince Charles' rainforest conservation group.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1Y8iOnIqHk
(Search Terms: green frog Prince Charles save the rainforest video)

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SHAQ HAS A HUNGER ATTACK!!

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL stares longingly at a box of Krispy Kreme donuts, and even kisses one, while MARIAH CAREY'S "We Belong Together" plays. Check out how small a Krispy Kreme donut looks in Shaq's hand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YduO8-ALReA
(Search Terms: Shaq Krispy Kreme video)

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

A DOG PROTECTED ITS OWNERS BY FIGHTING OFF A MOUNTAIN LION:

Now it's time to recognize our JYY Hero Pet of the Day . . . a 5-year-old Labrador mix named Hoagie. On Tuesday, a man named William Morse and his wife were out hiking with Hoagie in the Cleveland National Forest in southern California when a mountain lion suddenly appeared, and charged at Hoagie's owners. But before the mountain lion was able to attack William and his wife, Hoagie jumped in . . . and fought it off.

According to William, , "Out of nowhere, a mountain lion just charged us [and] attacked us. And my dog saved our lives."

Hoagie suffered injuries to his stomach area. He was rushed to the vet where he underwent a four-hour surgery . . . and he's expected to survive. (Los Angeles Times / Yahoo News)

- So we're clear, California Department of Fish and Game officials are now saying Hoagie was the aggressor in the confrontation . . . NOT the mountain lion. According to a spokesman, "The report we got was that the dog went up to a mountain lion and the mountain lion ran away and the dog chased it and was mauled." (Yeah, we're sure that's what happened . . . because everyone knows mountain lions are nature's pushovers. - NOT!!)

(--Check out some pictures of Hoagie post-surgery. . .)

HAPPY BDAY TO THE WORLDS OLDEST DOG

THE WORLD'S OLDEST DOG TURNED 21 YEARS OLD YESTERDAY:

Let's do a little math, shall we? Yesterday, the world's OLDEST DOG . . . a Dachshund mix named Chanel . . . turned 21 YEARS OLD.

Now, if one year for people equals seven dog years . . . that means Chanel is the equivalent of 147 years old. (MSNBC)

In case you're wondering, the oldest dog EVER was an Australian cattle dog named Bluey, who passed away in 1939 at age 29 years, five months. That's the equivalent of 206 human years.

(--Check out some photos of Chanel . . . sporting "doggles" for her cataracts, and a nice orange sweater . . . along with her owner, Denice Shaughnessy. . .)

ETERNAL LOVE FOR HER PETS

A TERMINALLY ILL WOMAN IS GETTING TATTOOS OF ALL 20 OF HER PETS . . . SO SHE CAN TAKE THEM WITH HER WHEN SHE DIES:

47-year-old Jayne Jubbs is from Peterborough, England. After being diagnosed with terminal cancer, she decided the one thing she wanted MOST . . . was to get tattoos of all 20 of her pets, so she could "take them with her."

So Jayne . . . who runs a wildlife sanctuary for exotic animals . . . got to work, and so far she's gotten tattoos of:

-- Four RACCOONS on her upper back

-- A FOX on her lower back

-- A few CATS and MEERKATS on her right arm

-- A FRUIT BAT on her left arm

Next up, Jayne plans to tattoo an IGUANA on her neck. And after that, she has to find some space for tattoos of her pet SNAKE, DOGS and COCKATIELS. (Daily Mail)

The saddest part of all this? Jayne is married to a 50-year-old guy named Alan, and she says the thing she'll miss most when she dies . . . is her ANIMALS. Ouch.

(--Check out some photos of Jayne's tattoos . . .)

PICK THE CRIMINAL

THERE'S A NEW ONLINE GAME WHERE YOU MATCH A CRIME . . . TO THE MUGSHOT OF THE PERSON WHO COMMITTED IT:

If you're trying to kill a couple hours at work today . . . and we both know you are . . . you might want to check out a new online game we found called "Pick the Perp" . . . which involves matching a crime to the mugshot of the person who committed it, based on looks alone. (Dig)

--You can play Pick the Perp here . . .) http://picktheperp.com/

FUNNY VIDEO'S OF THE DAY

***VIDEOS OF THE DAY***

Here's a fun video somebody put together of the "100 Best Movie Lines in 200 Seconds". A few of them miss the mark, but most of them range from "in the ballpark" to "bona fide classic".

Check it out . . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QUT0tweX1M(--And by the way, they get an automatic A+ just for sticking a Bruce Campbell "Groovy" in there.)

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WHAT'S SO FUNNY DREW?

DREW CAREY couldn't stop laughing when a guy named MICHAEL BUMMER bid $69 on "The Price Is Right". If I were Michael, I wouldn't be too happy about it.. (It was kind of a weird number though..)

http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=true&mediaKey=1f3aeac7-e93a-4a2e-b977-6200e3e1fcb9(Search Terms: Drew Carey "The Price Is Right" $69 Michael Bummer video)

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

THIS JUST MIGHT BE THE DUMBEST INVENTION EVER: HIGH HEEL FLIPPERS:

In 2006, an artist from Belgium named Paul Schietekat invented something called High Tide Heels . . . which are basically a cross between high-heel stiletto shoes . . . and diving flippers used in snorkeling.

I know what you're thinking . . . "There's absolutely NO practical use for these stupid things." And, yeah, you're right. Which is exactly why we've decided to name the High Tide Heels . . . the SILLIEST INVENTION OF ALL TIME. (Daily Telegraph)

(--Take a look at this nonsense. . .)

YOU CAN EAT FAST FOOD!

***HEALTHIER FAST FOOD OPTIONS***

People eat fast food because it's cheap and, well, it's fast. But when you're in a rush, you're usually not thinking about the nutritional value of your value meal. So here are some bad . . . and better . . . choices at popular fast food restaurants . . .

#1.) MCDONALD'S . . . A deluxe breakfast with a large biscuit and no syrup or margarine has a whopping 1,150 calories and 60 grams of fat. So try a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit instead, which has 430 calories and less than half the fat.

At lunch, stay away from the double quarter pounder with cheese. It's loaded with fat and has 740 calories. A regular cheeseburger only has 300.

#2.) BURGER KING . . . The triple whopper with cheese is one of the unhealthiest things on the menu. It has 1,250 calories and 84 grams of fat, while a regular hamburger at Burger King has 290 calories and 12 grams of fat. And don't forget that french fries are bad too. A large order at Burger King packs 580 calories, but their apple fries with caramel sauce only have 70.

#3.) WENDY'S . . . Remember, salads can be unhealthy too. Without dressing, the chicken BLT salad at Wendy's has 470 calories and 27 grams of fat. So opt for the mandarin chicken salad instead, which has 180 calories and almost no fat . If you want a Wendy's burger, go for something smaller than a triple with cheese, which has 960 calories and 60 grams of fat.

#4.) SUBWAY . . . Not every sandwich is healthy. A six-inch double meatball marinara with cheese, for example, is loaded with fat and weighs in at 860 calories. If you're worried about your waistline, try Subway's six-inch turkey breast instead, which has a figure-friendly 280 calories and 4.5 grams of fat.(Glamour Magazine)

EVERYBODY HAS SOME AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS

THERE'S A WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN POST YOUR AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS . . . AND LAUGH AT OTHER PEOPLE'S:

I'm not going to lie . . . I've posed for my fair share of awkward family photos. I'll bet you have too. That's why we're pretty sure you'll enjoy this website we heard about . . . called AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com . . . where you can post your own . . . and laugh at other people's . . . awkward family pictures.

(--Take a look at this website here . . . http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/ )

GUYS WHO LIE

HERE ARE FOUR LIES THAT GUYS TELL . . . ON FIRST DATES:

Ladies . . . I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Men lie to you ALL THE TIME. And the less you know about us . . . the more likely we are to lie to you.

With that in mind, here are FOUR LIES guys tell on first dates . . . all the time.

#1.) I'm between jobs: There's a small chance he might be telling the truth with this one . . . especially in this market. But it's more likely he has no clue what he wants to do with his life . . . and he's probably not all that ambitious in the first place.

#2.) I never move this fast on a first date: This is a lie 100% of the time. How do I know? Because every guy who's ever lived moves as fast as he possibly can on a first date. It's up to YOU to slow men down.

#3.) I've never had a serious girlfriend: What he means is that he's never WANTED a serious girlfriend . . . because all he really wants to do is hook up and move on. And that's fine . . . so long as you know what you're getting into.

#4.) I'll call you: Yes, he might actually call you. But just because a guy says it, doesn't mean he will. Guys use "I'll call you" as a polite way to get out the door . . . so they don't have to tell you the truth: That there's NO WAY they'll call you. (Yahoo Personals)

HOW OLD DO I LOOK?

55% OF PEOPLE THINK THEY LOOK YOUNGER THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE:

Do you think you look OLDER or YOUNGER than you actually are? The reason I ask is because, according to a new survey, 55% of people think they look younger than they actually are . . . while only 9% think they look older than their actual age. And if you break it down by gender . . . 58% of WOMEN and 48% of MEN think they look younger than they actually are.

But I suppose that makes sense since only 51% of men say they WANT to look younger . . . while 64% of women would like to look younger.

And listen to this . . . SEVEN in TEN people between the ages of 18 and 24 say they would like to look "about their age". But as they get older . . . that number gradually starts to drop.

Overall, HALF of all people say that if they were given the choice . . . they'd like to look as though they were in their 20s. (PR Newswire)

(--If you want to get an idea of how old you look, you can upload your photo and have people guess your age here . . .) http://www.howoldami.com/

***SWINE FLU UPDATE***

A UNIVERSITY IN PENNSYLVANIA HELD A SEPARATE GRADUATION CEREMONY . . . FOR STUDENTS WHO'D RECENTLY BEEN TO MEXICO:

Obviously, there's no "good" time for a swine flu outbreak . . . but it doesn't change the fact that THIS totally stinks. . .

On Saturday, Slippery Rock University in Pennsylvania held a separate graduation ceremony specifically for 22 education majors who'd just returned from Mexico City . . . where they'd spent the last month completing their student-teacher requirements.

According to school officials, it would have been, "an error on our part" to allow the students to take part in the regular graduation ceremony . . . which fell within the flu virus' incubation period.

For the record, none of the students have developed symptoms of swine flu infection. (WTAE News 4 - Pittsburgh / Fox News)

(--Here's my question: How terrible would it be to not catch swine flu during your time in Mexico . . . only to get infected during your college graduation ceremony?)

Unrelated Incident of Swine Flu Hysteria #1: The Chinese government quarantined 70 Mexican tourists in three different locations because . . . they're Mexican. Even though none of the isolated Mexicans have shown any signs of having swine flu.)

Unrelated Incident of Swine Flu Hysteria #2: U.S. pork producers are stepping up their safety measures, putting their pigs behind security fences, and limiting access to outsiders . . . to keep the pigs from GETTING swine flu. Because so far, no pigs have swine flu.

HOW TO AVOID BEING LAID OFF

***FIVE WAYS TO AVOID BEING LAID OFF***

Just because you're not the most senior person at work DOESN'T mean you have to be the first to go when people start getting laid off. Here are five things you can do that will make you look a lot more valuable to your employer . . .

#1.) GO IN EARLY ONCE A WEEK. Get there before the boss does. If you can, get there before ANYONE does. It doesn't have to be the same day each week, and it doesn't have to be by much, but a little extra effort can go a long way.

#2.) STAY LATE ONCE A WEEK. Later than your boss, and later than everyone else too. Again, it's all about putting forth extra effort and making sure people notice. Stay on the office radar, and show them that you're a dedicated employee.

#3.) LOOK BUSY. If you have a desk job, it's not hard. Just don't get caught playing around on Facebook. If you're NOT at a desk job, then make sure you look like you have plenty to do, even it that means refolding the t-shirt display a million times a day.

#4.) BE BUSY. Take on extra work if you can. A few months ago, you might have thought to yourself, "Well, they don't pay me enough to do that." But when people start getting laid off, you need to be thankful that you're still getting paid at all.

#5.) EXPAND YOUR SKILL SET. Find something that isn't part of your job duties, and add it. You'll show your boss that you have skills above and beyond the ones he hired you for. And you'll look a lot better than your co-workers who are slacking off. --Remember, you're essentially competing for the job you already have. So act like it. (Yahoo.com)

HOW BIZARRE NEWS (5/04/09)

MOO-SICAL TREAT

The hills are alive with the sound of music after an Alpine farmer compiled a CD of his farm animals' favourite tunes. Livestock expert Franz Koeberl, 41, has been serenading the animals on the family farm in Birkfeld, Austria, with his accordion for more than a decade. Franz and his family, who all play instruments, stage live concerts for the animals to help with milk yield or to keep them calm.

"Whenever they see me coming over the hill with my accordion, they come running and gather around to listen to the tunes. They prefer Strauss - although I and my family would rather hear Mozart," he explained. "We all play musical instruments and we often play for the animals, and we found that Norma, Norli, Nanni and the rest of the 20 cows have a clear preference for classical music.

"In particular they seem to like the waltz. They are more likely to be sitting down taking the weight off their feet and obviously enjoying the music whenever a waltz is playing - and that also means they are producing more milk," he added.

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LOVE CHEATS DRIVE FLASH CARS

Drivers of expensive cars are more likely to have an affair, according to a new poll. The illicitencounters.com website, which describes itself as the UK's largest extra-marital dating site, conducted a survey of its members. It found that 20.9% drove a high-ranking executive car. This included 16 Bentley owners, 31 Porsche owners, five Aston Martin owners and 135 BMW owners. And while the adulterers said their own car was important to them, only 19% admitted to being interested in their lovers' cars.

Sara Hartley, spokesperson for the site, said: "Many of those actively seeking an affair tend to be go getters, which is reflected in their choice of car and their chosen profession. They are often conspicuous consumers."

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A GUY DELIVERED HIS BABY SON . . . AFTER WATCHING A HOW-TO VIDEO ON YOUTUBE:

Recently, Jo Stephens of Redruth, England went into labor while she was at home. So her husband, Marc, called an ambulance. But before the ambulance showed up, Jo started giving birth . . . and Marc realized he was going to have to help deliver the baby. So what did Marc do? -

According to Marc, "I Googled how to deliver a baby, watched a few videos and basically geared up."

That's right . . . Marc delivered his baby after watching instructional videos on YouTube. --

According to her doctors, both Jo and her baby boy . . . named Gabriel . . . are going to be fine. (BBC News)

(--You can watch one of the videos Marc watched . . . called "How to Deliver a Baby in a Car" . . . below. . .)

AN IDOL'S LOSS

DAVID COOK'S OLDER BROTHER HAS DIED OF BRAIN CANCER:

There's some sad "American Idol" news today: DAVID COOK'S oldest brother, Adam Cook, has lost his battle with brain cancer. He was 36. Adam passed away early Sunday morning . . .

Perhaps fittingly, David was in Washington D.C. yesterday for the 12th Annual Race for Hope 5K, which raises money for brain cancer research. (--David was serving as the event's honorary chairman. His team raised over $97,000 for the cause.) There, David announced to the crowd, "I actually lost my brother yesterday to a brain tumor and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else right now."

He also added, "I lost one today . . . but I gained 9,000 [friends] and I will be here every year that they will have me." (--You can check out some video of his announcement at the link below. David takes the mic about a minute in . . . and he starts talking about his brother at the 2:30 mark. By the way, this is AMATEUR VIDEO . . . so it's pretty shaky.)

Adam was diagnosed with brain cancer 11 years ago, but his condition seemed to get worse during David's "Idol" run last year. Still, he was able to come to L.A. to see David perform live.